An Introduction

Whether it be fantasy or reality or something dirty in between~

It is a reflection of me

And you.


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Never Enough to be Pretty is all the change I have in my pocket- TL Banks


The Whiskey Rock Death Game or Why Brian is off limits now

12 years ago we worked together.
But it was EVERCLEAR in CONCERT THO….. I mean, I had to go….
My best friend says, No. Don’t.
Brian has asked me out since we have been in Vegas three times.
I am not his type, I know, he is probably into really blonde, really thin chicks.
But it was a friend thing not a date thing because we were both responsible for every other round of drinks.
Brian says, ” Oh you should have seen me when I moved to San Diego, I had all kinds of bitches at my feet.”
12 years ago he had the most magnificent curly locks. Thick.
My best friend refuses to let me go out with him. I don’t know why.
When Brian texts or calls I’m usually broke and don’t want to assume these dates are his treat.
He follows me on Instagram and saw that I was just watching the Matrix with my kid, obviously not busy.
All I wanted to do was fuck him once, just once, just mark it down off my list, just once, just him just once, y’know?
Brian says, ”  Yeah my baby’s momma is a psycho I didn’t know she was under age when I met her at the bar.”
12 years ago he never made eye contact with me.
My best friend will hear me plead and simply advise I don’t go anywhere with him.
Brian always seems to know where the party is, or a cool concert but I turn him down.
I put on a slutty red dress and slutty red lipstick even though I had already been drinking alone at home.
The music was loud and people were getting closer and stickier and I was drunk and his arm was around me and then shit changed.
Brian says, ” My father was an alcoholic and my mother was a good Catholic.”
But it was SPACEHOG in CONCERT THO… I mean, I had to go….
12 years ago I went to a party at his house with a friend.
My best friend doesn’t even know him but he can tell how excited and confused I get about him.
I really like rock concerts. When Brian invited me, I had money. I wanted to see him.
As soon as I see him I think I had to hold my legs together so I didn’t leak any cum.
Some guy came up and grabbed my ass… some short random dude and I wasn’t wearing panties and Brian just watched.
Brian says, ” You know you should write the story of my life.”
12 years ago at the party, we were in the garage drinking and all I did was stare at his hair all night.
My best friend thinks I’m childish when it comes to guys with long hair.
Brian told me to meet him at the venue and all I wanted to do was take pictures of him as proof.
I figured that I would pretend that I wasn’t overjoyed to finally be out with him so we talked about his family.
I can’t tell you what I felt, I was drunk I felt awful, and then the guy goes Dammmmn and he goes to me, I’m sorry… I couldn’t help it.
Brian says, ” Oh I used to fuck all of the chicks we used to work with. Almost all of them. Quite a few.”
12 years ago I pretended that he had asked me to sleep with him at the party but he didn’t.
My best friend acts as my conscience you see, protects me.
But it was EVE6 in CONCERT THO… I mean, had to go…
I texted every body that I knew across the country, guess what, I’m out with Brian. Yeah, that one. The hot one.
I got whiskey shots and poured them into my beer I was so nervous. I’d been friend-zoned for so long.
But the creep doesn’t say I couldn’t help it until he sees Brian. And Brian says to him, Aye, I’ve known her for 12 years.
Brian says, ”  That chick over there is hot, go get her number for me.”
12 years ago I had the biggest crush on him whenever I was in the presence of his beautiful dark hair.
My best friend told me something bad would happen and it did.
I wish that  I had never gone out with him, I wish I hadn’t been so weak and desperate.
We laughed like we had always been friends, we told jokes and did dumb shit and listened to the concert and even gambled.
So I followed up with he’s like my brother, sure grope me all you want. This was sarcasm but sarcasm doesn’t sound like sarcasm after several whiskey shots and many beers at an out door rock concert.
Brian says, ” Can you believe we go to a bar and meet other people from Indiana? That’s crazy.”
12 years ago I would have done absolutely anything to have him just once.
My best friend will never let me live this shit down.
Brian was trouble from the very start and unfortunately I seem to like trouble.
I dunno. I didn’t want to fuck him any more. I just wanted to go home. Why I thought that I could drive, I still can’t remember. I went to the valet got my car, drove 10 miles out of the way of my house toward my old condo, where my old boyfriend, who looked a lot like Brian and I used to live.
But it was SOUL ASYLUM in CONCERT THO… I mean, I had to go…
Brian says, ” The book about my life should be called Confessions of a good Catholic boy.”
In an effort to turn around in the middle of the street, like a drunk person would, I hit a median and who knows what else and blew out both of my tires. I was very fortunate that there were no cars, or other people, or traffic. Everybody would have crashed and I would have died. What a horrible way to die. Horny and drunk and indignant.
So I text Brian. I don’t have any friends in this fucked up town,  my best friend, my conscience, lives in D.C. Brian thinks I’ve gone to the bathroom and perhaps I’m throwing up or perhaps I have lifted up my slutty red dress for the guys he didn’t mind that were grabbing me earlier.
When he showed up to rescue me he didn’t say, “Are you okay?”
Brian said, ” You know that I am going to fuck the shit out of you for this, right?”
12 years ago we worked together and we were never really fucking friends and all I wanted to do was sleep with him once, and smell his hair, and let him touch me and I wrecked my own fucking car for the opportunity.
The next morning, when I woke up, in the bed next to Brian, I smiled.
My best friend will never let me live this shit down.
Mission accomplished.
Now Brian can go back to hell.






Discovering Cream

I was so sure before
that I had seen it all, them all…
met every kind of king
kissed every kind of frog
I looked
right smack dab
I’ve been lost in his eyes for 9000 years
Or 90 seconds
Did he just undress me
with his mind?!?
This. Is. A. New. One.
I must put my lips
all over him
to fully understand
his existence…
I was so sure before
that I had seen it all, them all…
every nudist, Buddhist black sheep
under the stars
until I
fell head over heels
into his lusty web.
I’ve been stuck here
for 8000 millennia
or 8 minutes
Did he just fuck me
with his thoughts?!?
This. Is. A. Special. One.
I must disrobe
for him and him alone
to truly know
where he comes from…




Clear as a barn yard bell
Woke as a new born pup
Sick as a virgin under a spell
Loose as pennies in a cup
Done as the end of a scroll
Morbid as a clown is crazed
Dumb as a championship bowl
Attached like wings unfazed
I hear your loving blurbs
We both want them to ring true
Unfortunately  like milk curds
My penicillin hates you

Bitches and Priests

Rubens painted pictures of fat chicks like me
but I can’t find my name on souvenir keys
Oh Lord hear my plea, beautify the fallacies of me
Whiskey tastes bad with ice, or Coke or anything
And all I know is all I know and what I know is there…
That I look better in the mirror, in a photograph, a suspect line
I see bustles, I see bustles, I see rump surgery and I’m blind
By the staples and pimples and lies, so many lies
And all I get is dates who lick my ass and I’ve never seen their minds
I’m interested now in robbing cradles
Oh God hear my prayer, make teens ugly and less like fables
I’m not an object, I’m not a vessel, I’m not astute
And all I know is all I know and what I know is aloof
that I look better when I forget and burn all reminders of truth
I feel like karma  is on vacation in the Andes, no blue tooth
Just because I’m hungry and angry and horny
But all I get is half hearted promises from half hearted heathens constantly
Heavenly father intercede, I don’t want to die on my knees
Save me please make a dope just for me…


Je t’aime mais je te déteste aussi…

If we’re dying we should do what we want
exclaims my black heart
If I am just waiting until I am proper dead
then nothing matters more than now
Let me inside you
Let me possess you
Let me hurt you and leave you scarred
Let me touch you
Let me persuade you
Let me chase you and chain you down

Je t'aime mais je te déteste aussi

If we’re the fabric of nothing we should live how we feel
exclaims my dirty soul
if I am just holding on to fiction until I feel nothing
then the only thing I can do is crave
Let me envelop you
Let me drain you
Let me burn into your memory
Let me chew you
Let me abuse you
Let me find you and kiss your mouth…