An Introduction

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http://tlbanks.weebly.com20141109_125217-1[1]Whether it be fantasy or reality or something dirty in between~

It is a reflection of me

And you.


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Never Enough to be Pretty is all the change I have in my pocket- TL Banks


Tuesday Night Freewrite

So normally when I don’t have anything to write, or anything that can creep through all of the noise of just every day living, I treat myself to a free write, where I can write whatever I want, or whatever comes to my fingertips without worrying about whether or not it makes sense, or goes with any stream of thoughts that I have ever had regarding the most common subjects that I post. I usually advise that if someone is going to sit down and read one of my free writes that they actually grab a beer or a Xanax or a joint or something so that possibly their conscious minds won’t have difficulty floating from concept to concept and I jot them all down as quickly as they come. I started this free write off saying the word normally and I don’t even like the root, normal. What does that mean? I went to a training session recently and the instructor stated that people want to be thought of as logical, practical and sane. They want their values and beliefs to be at the least treated as plausible and that nothing they do is crazy. I thought that was just the most general way to describe 7 billion apes with egos and thumbs that I had ever heard. People don’t want other people to think that they are crazy, isn’t worrying about whether you are crazy or not a thought for the actual clinically out of it? So this normal, isn’t it really just saying there isn’t anything that I do or believe in that is any different than what I think others think? Or what I see around me? So conformity, which has nothing to do with using your mind, is normal? Blind following is normal? How is that not insane? If the saying about insanity is doing the same thing over and over again expecting a different result what is normalcy? Doing the same things that you see others doing over and over again and expecting to be respected and stand out from the herd?I’m not saying the concept of normal is crazy but isn’t it, kinda? I wonder if people really think this way or hope this, that all they have to prove that they existed is that they are just like everyone else. I suppose its the way marketing does such an amazing job at selling things because they incorporate this probably psychological need to have what others have and look like they look and be a part of something. But the bad part of that is to prove this, people will go into immense debt. They will lower the quality of their lives in order to seem a certain way to other people outside of their own heads. Or maybe there are zillions of factors that cause this and I am only seeing it from the narrow few of someone who other people see as crazy and clearly, I don’t mind….

The plush self actualization life raft

I have written you 4000 times.
1)      Italy was everything. Mentally, I am still there.
2)      I am at the part now that Alana and Marko are split. I am devastated.
3)      Whenever I am introduced to a new world, I always try to figure out which character is most similar to me. I’m pretty confident that if I were in Grease, I would be Betty Rizzo. The Breakfast club? Most certainly Allyson Reynolds. X-Men? Rogue. So for Saga, I’m pretty sure that I’m Sophie.
4)      I’m not supposed to talk to you, just like I am not supposed to talk about Fight Club. (Oh, I am definitely Marla Singer.) The inner sanctum is now convinced, partially based on my amazing story telling, that you are evil, incarnate. Them believing that has made things easier for me. Well it did at the beginning. But now, it’s a useless farce and I’ve run out of fucks. My best friend is an opportunist. I can talk to him about anything except this current problem that I am having. Because he is who he is, he can’t help. He does not see the value in any long term relationships that he does not substantially benefit from regardless if it is mutual. I love the guy but he can’t help me now, it is out of his depth. My other homie is also useless. He is a womanizer. A brilliant, well dressed womanizer but for him monogamy is akin to a skin disease and for a really long time, I agreed. Sometimes I might enable him even.  You on the other hand are a hopeless serial monogamist with a beautiful feminine perspective. I miss that dreadfully.
5)       What I want you to say to the question that I plan on posing is, sweetie, it’s pretty obvious that you love this guy and you should totally go all in and marry him. Oh and, I forgive you for being a creepy weirdo.
6)      You know how when you lie about something to yourself for so long you eventually believe it? That’s what happened.
7)      Probably a good idea if I tell you why I am not supposed to talk to you. Psychopathy? Well….. I was a bad friend. I used you often to explain to potential suitors why I could never commit to them. It was a much easier story to tell than, dude, I just don’t like you. They felt sorry for me. I told the story so often to beat the lie detector, I believed it.  Pitiful. Somewhere in there I fell for my own fiction. The inner sanctum believed it.  My new him too. I know that you know that I know that  none of it is true. We were nowhere near there in real life, ever.
8)      When I didn’t get my way, I kind of did any way, in another way. Because I just told people whatever they needed to hear to lower their relationship expectations of me. In a way, I am sorry, because  I’m sure we could have been better friends had my nefarious plan not been so amazingly useful in delicate situations. In another way, I’m not because had I not been so devious, would I still have made it here? I became a heinous friend (which is unacceptable) and unable to separate the story from reality. I needed some time to sort it all out. 
9)      I don’t know how to do “love”. I have no one to talk to about it because I don’t know anyone other than you, honestly, who genuinely tries to attempt the shit. I am always impressed by how much you commit and I have been jealous of that for a long time. I have done the exact same thing but in reverse. I have renounced the chemical addiction required to create and maintain these bonds with others. The only way people would allow this farce to continue was because they believed that I did love deep down. They believed that I loved someone who would never love me back so I had abandoned all hope. They accepted this as Canon and I just ran with it. Selfishly. I’m here now, and terrified. I have never been so scared. I have no idea what to do and is this something that I cannot control; I really just don’t want anyone else to get hurt. I have no one to get sound advice from when I don’t talk to you- you make me think of things I hadn’t considered and I really appreciated that about our friendship. I miss it dreadfully and need it immensely.
10)   I have already told you what I want you to say but if you said it I would be even more scared. I’m not sure if I can do it, ANY OF IT and I have no reason for this.
May day.
After this morning’s exchange my head is going, is this dude for real? Is any of this real? I mean, I honestly did not think that squirting was a real thing until I met this cat. I’ve put him through the ringer so far, already and the fact that he is still coming back for more means he is completely and utterly deranged and insane or I’m in a coma and fantasizing this.
Please be my friend when it suits my needs like right now and don’t hound me about being a raving lunatic bitch because I have been such a terrible friend as recent as just a few months ago.
I am stuck.
03 (2)

The biggest glitter covered Xmas Tree

Once upon a time
A long time ago
a blade of grass longed to be a tree
a tree he thought is treated better
and loved a lot more than me
If I were a tree, the birds would
make a nest and love to stay
The shade of my limbs
would cover humans
on a sunny day
and thanks to surgery
and chemistry
the blade got its wish
so much better it felt
to finally be what it was to begin with
And what the blade didn’t know
or didn’t anticipate
was the sign on all of the barns that read
tree huggers we all hate
lets cut the trees, down to size
eat their sap and write with the waste
of what they could be
So less than we
let the pulp we have left seal their fate
they chose an icon we’ve observed
as we have chosen the tree to be
but our worship of it is
a fallacy and technicality
be they devoured as the blade tree yells
timber timber timber we’re free
atop his brothers, freshly lain
The blade of grass was unaware, clearly
of the pain being a tree would bring
Let fairness and fairies sing
What you wanted was an illusion
Welcome to reality.





In the morning when I wake
I’ve had all I can take
and the sun
lets me
start again.
I don’t think you understand
That I took a stand
and I can’t
sit here
waiting for
the coming judgment down from you

Nothing left but live to do
So I stay

Instead, I will carry on,
Take my baggage off this farm,
Stay away
but you know
I can’t live long without you

When the leaves fell from the trees-
I loved you last October, but I was sober
Now its time
time, to freeze
Instead I will go on,
try harder to get along,
with every
else who
seemed to find their way
you’re wrong and I’m not sorry
and the sun, the sun will shine on

When the leaves fall from the trees-
I loved you one October, still sober
Now its time to freeze

The mouse ran down

It’s very hickory dickory how
you no longer speak to me
years have floated by and
you’ve bothered to keep on gossiping
about what years ago you knew
regarding him and me
yet both of us have let it go
but you refuse to let it be.
Once a upon a time silly girl
your suspicions would have rang true
but life has unfolded and
now I know
what love requited can do
what scares me most
what’s hard to see
is how we used to be friends
but instead of being a real one
over me you chose that man
Its very hickory dickory how
you never liked him you said
you knew I did, you saw me cry
when no to me he said
and in my face you said he was
the loser of the worst kind
but here we are years later and
our relationship is still on your mind…
why don’t you just ask me
if I have feelings still
and I would tell you indubitably
for either of you I never will.