I wrote this letter to Kane in June 2012.
I have to be completely honest.
I almost don’t care if you read this or not.
I am writing it more for myself than anything, like a release.
I tend to have to do that when an issue with you arises.
There is no talking about it.
As soon as you open your mouth whatever it is that you have to say sounds so smooth to me and goes down so easily that it must be right and I have to reevaluate my point.
I’d much rather write.
You are a very confusing part of my story. I am always in a battle with self over just how much of you I should let in. Its always too much or too little.
I have to say that when I wasnt talking to you and just reading status updates and laughing honestly about how miserable you looked in those pictures with that woman named after me- I could see you were not happy. I admit I got a little bit of joy from this because I selfishly believed at the time that you belonged to me so any nonsense about having any other family other than me would ultimately make you feel something was missing in your life.
I don’t understand why I have always thought that we would get back together. Why I have always leaned on that hope. Why I just accepted anyone and anything that came along because in the back of my brain somewhere, I believed that eventually, all of this other mess would pass and you and I would be us again. Still not sure why I held onto that so dearly, like a security blanket.
Last September when you called me out of the blue talking about my son I think I nearly wrecked my car.
Who knows what you said?
All I remember thinking was, Lord, this is it.
I’m not even ready!
So I did what any obsessed person would do.
I got rid of the people around me who would not be conducive to a lifelong relationship with you.
I needed to take this step anyway.
I started focusing on what and who I should keep and how and figuring out how I could make you love me, like I always wanted you to and like I now believe you never have.
I remember back in the day when you were dating the ghetto white girl and I had emailed you about my friend Freddie and how much he liked me and how I wondered if I should give him a chance because he was such a decent dude. And you said to me that I should not do this, and if it was meant to be it would happen naturally and that Fred was me and I was you. I will never forget that right after you made that statement you typed, and did you feel loved? To genuinely be loved in return is so sweet.
That stuck with me for many years now.
Genuninely loved in return.
I thought this was my genuine shot, I mean it had been years and I haven’t pursued you in anyway.
On New years eve of this year I spent that night on the phone having sex with of all people on earth, you.
And I’m sure like most things involving you I put entirely too much emphasis on what that really meant and I nearly lost it trying to pull back.
I just never wanted to be your go to girl for sex.
I never wanted to be your plan b if everything else in your life fell through,
I never imagined that after 18 years you were still hurt, or pained, or disturbed or untrusting based on the relationship we had when we were children. I suppose I am just as guilty because I should have never put a man who broke up with me 20 years ago on a pedestal in the first place.
None of that can I change.
I was looking for something, some new direction and there you were, Kane with all sorts of things I should read and all sorts of theories and I exposed myself to them and felt really good about seeing things differently for the first time.
Still in the back of my head the thought reigned- why would he be doing all of this if somewhere deep down he did not feel the same as I do?
I ignored you when you said you were single. I ignored every mention of some woman and how attractive she was. I ignored your dates and lustful comments about my sister and friends.
I heard, like always what I wanted to hear.
And for four months I talked to you several times a week almost borderline obsessive again when I didnt talk to you for 36 hours or more.
I just needed to hear your voice.
All I needed was a text how was your day.
That was enough fuel to go on for another week!
And why you? Why you?
I’m starting to think why you is because of my son.
Another situation I would never have made an uproar about.
But after you said you would come on the trip with us, I don’t know things just didn’t seem right anymore.
It didn’t seem authentic anymore.
The I love you text and the I wonder what its like to sleep next to you text were a lonely rebounding man from a bad marriage holding on to the comfort of a woman who he knows he has power over.
What a horrible self righteous evil super villain thing to do.
How exactly opposite of every book you told me to read.
How insanely mean to say in your own head- this chick hurt my feelings a long time ago and the only way I can show her how hurt I still am is to hurt her and pretend like it was nothing.
Now you have a new girlfriend and the selfish chick in me is screaming are you serious? Really? I hope this chick is 5’3 and 136 pounds like in your erotic stories because I still can not see how anyone could choose anyone over me.
Maybe thats just my virgo talking.
Ultimately I have to figure out a way to let you go.
You don’t love me.
You don’t even care to know if my son is yours or not and I’m sorry the worst of the worst scumbag dudes on earth at least get blood tests to make sure they don’t have kids out in the world.
I didn’t expect you to be just a normal, regular, scummy dude from Gary.
I wouldn’t have called you superman or even batman or even morpheus or king leonidas if I had really thought deep down that it was all just some kind of sick perverted game.
Again, something you told me about letting people be who they are helped me a lot.
I started to remember who you were.
you were a chicken.
you would never leave your moms side to venture out too far.
you were really into material possessions clothes and shoes and other costumes possibly to cover up some insecurity somewhere? I’m not sure.
I loved you but I wanted to be with a man who had a back bone, a spine, who would go out and make things happen who I could admire and respect.
You were very mealy mouthed and wishy washy and scared of every damn thing.
Its looking a little bit like you still are.
Why haven’t you been to NY or Rome or Spain or any of the islands you dream of?
Why do you fall in love with every girl who comes along that likes to shop as much as you do?
Why do you watch porn and fantasize and glorify sex and write stories about great sex but always find in real life your partners are not your equals?
Are you afraid of me?
Do I scare you?
Do I make you step too far into the ocean and you can’t swim?
Do you not love me because you are afraid you can’t control me or because I don’t wear the right labels to go with your car?
I guess the reasons don’t really matter but I do wonder about them.
I wanted to talk to you today. Just randomly. Just to get your thoughts on something but I know I can’t anymore.
Were not really friends how could we be?
How could two people be true friends if one is in love with the other?
How could two people be true friends if one is holding a two decade old grudge against the other?
No going backward.
When you said it, I finally heard.
No going backward.
Its a good philosophy.
If something about us wasn’t broken we’d be together.
We were broken.
And I don’t think either one of us ever healed properly.
I do want to heal.
I do want to take you down finally off that mantlepiece and put you back in the ocean with all of the the other regular fish.
I do want to just move forward, no ulterior motives, write my books and take care of my son with or without you.
I do want to finally grow up and realize someone like Fred actually is a good match for me.
No he isn’t exciting and he doesn’t wear flashy clothes and honestly he might not be the most interesting conversationalist but when he looks at me…
When he looks at me I know that he can see everything I have ever done wrong; every dirty deed every mistep every backfired plan and somehow seeing all that he still smiles and opens his arms to me and says I love you with a timber of acceptance in his voice.
he can see the amazing.
And you always want to be with someone who can see the amazing in you, right?
Who helps you become a better version of yourself?
Someone you feel safe with.
What disturbs me about all this is my resolve is solid as long as I don’t see you or speak to you.
But I swear as sure as my name is Pixie Lorraine Prince that if you walked into this room
and said come with me
I would drop everything I am doing
It might be because you look like him.
You always have.
You look exactly like the guy I dream about in my head and I knew it when I met you.
I could not believe that he was real.
So perhaps I endowed you with his ability to love me through thick and thin forever when in fact you never had that ability at all.
I want to apologize for this.
It was not fair.
I suppose we just used each other for whatever we needed at the time.
Perhaps it pains me now more than I am willing to admit.
But I will say I have always wanted nothing more than you to be happy and you know that whether its next door to me or 2000 miles away.
And even though these past four months of our friendship were apparently fake because you have not so much as attempted to reach out to me, I still miss talking about how our days were and what we were reading and what really fruity gay beverage you concocted for yourself.
I feel better now.
I still don’t know how to fully remove you from my psyche but as you know I will always try.
Not because I think you are truly the devil, probably just his sidekick, but for me now, nearing 40 this shit ain’t healthy.
I’ve got to let you go.
And just know at some point I will.
And maybe then we can have a real friendship because maybe then you will have forgiven me for whatever sins you think I committed.
And maybe I will forgive you for actually thinking that it is an acceptable form of punishment to make me raise our child ( lets just be honest okay) on my own who looks exactly like you.
And he acts like you too.
He never strays far from my hip, he really doesn’t do too much disrespectful stuff, he’s into his music and his video games and spending my money on a bunch random colored cloth and shoes… very sensitive and will go off and be content to be by himself instead of running with a crowd.
That part scares me.
They say never marry a man who does not have a lot of friends. He does not have the ability to sustain a close intimate relationship.
And recently you just apologized to me for that very thing- for being so difficult to be around.
You live it all in your head and I wish I could hate you but hating you and loving you are really two sides of the same coin it takes the same amount of energy to do either one.
I see your flaws.
I see your weaknesses.
And you will always have a very soft spot in my heart.