Premeditation

3

I should have eaten first.

I didn’t want to go in the first place.

But his girlfriend reminded me of my old girlfriend.

When you stab someone it’s a lot harder than you think it will be.

This is how I always get into to shit, doing things that I really don’t want to do.

His girlfriend looked so much like my ex I often called her Gail.

The flesh doesn’t just give immediately, I mean, it’s a protective barrier.
I sat close to the window on the train, staring out at all the people ignoring all of the other people walking alongside them.

Who knows what you might do if you are starving to death.

She rolled her eyes when I messed her name up. Traceeee!!! Dumb asssss!!! she would sing when I got it wrong.

You have to push down, with force and it’s crazy because no one ever tells you that the skin makes a slight noise when it tears.

I should start calling her Tracee DumbAss. Maybe I will remember her name that way.

From the train window, the one girl with the pony tail on her mobile phone in the jean shorts was pretty cute from behind.

Then I always say, Oh shit, did I call you Gail again? I’m so sorry it’s just that you look so much like her.

They go into shock. Even if it’s not like, a stab to the heart or anything, they can’t believe it happened.

I figured that I’d check my e-mail on my laptop since it would be an hour before I got to Hine’s house.

I think the last time that I ate was like, yesterday afternoon. I was exhausted from hunger.

I wonder what that pain is like. I’ve never been stabbed. But I do wonder.

Trains are not fast.

Only one message.

The shock itself of getting stabbed nearly kills them, they say.

It was an e-mail from Hine. He always has a childish e-mail address. Like SuperBigDick@freewebsite.com.

It’s not like I missed Gail or anything.

Hey douche hope you are on your way, he wrote. Hope you remembered to bring your tennis shoes and the Vaseline, just in case.

My stomach was  grumbling loud but the train was louder.

I didn’t want to go in the first place.

It’s not like, every time I see Tracee I just want to be like, Why, Gail? Why? After four years? No. I just want to slap the shit out of her.

Or Eatmyshorts@somejob.org

I forgot the Vaseline.

That’s when it became very clear to me that when I got to Hine’s house one of us was going to find out exactly what it felt like to be stabbed.

Or his best one, GeneralClitLicker@whatevercollege.edu

This is how I always get into to shit, doing things that I really don’t want to do.

And it still wasn’t going to be me that felt what stabbing was like.

Tracee thought that I should start looking for a new girlfriend, one who didn’t look so much like her and maybe that would help me forget Gail.

Damn it, No gum or snack or soda or nothing.

I forgot my extra pair of tennis shoes.

Is it premeditation if I am already planning to stab him, even though I don’t know exactly how it will happen?

Maybe I didn’t really forget those things, maybe I didn’t bring em, cause I never wanted to go.

I told him that two weeks ago, the first time he asked me.

Even Tracee DumbAss thought it was a bad idea.

Nothing will help me forget Gail.

I need something to eat.

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