Hi. This is my story. Its not a special story because I know that there are all kinds of stories in the city. Some of them about triumph and success and some of them about desperation and betrayal. This is my story. I can honestly say I don’t know what it is about. I don’t know what the universal themes are. I’m not saying I’m a role model for anyone. What I am saying is that it must be told. I must get it out, like a splinter. I’m not telling it to hurt you. I’m telling it so that it stops hurting me.
December 1, 2012
I’m sitting on the couch watching a competition show for tattoo artists. The house is decorated for Christmas with items that he bought. He got lights and garland and a giant 6’5 Christmas tree. The inside of the house is quite pleasing to my son because ever since we have been with him we never had lights. We never had a big tree. My son will be 13 in a few months and he is really excited about how beautiful our surroundings are. The condo is small but he likes that it is so close to his school that he can walk. He likes that he can go to the gas station for candy by himself or even to thrift shop at the neighborhood Goodwill, like a big boy, all alone. He is actually happy here even though, we fight. He and I don’t fight but, just about every day for the three months that we have been living with Mack again there has been some kind of terrible row that should wake the neighbors but they all seem very quiet and not nosy. So I’m watching my show and Mack comes back in after being out drinking. He had left earlier in the day to do some much needed grocery shopping since there was nothing in the house to eat but oatmeal packets and instant rice. We were on a very tight budget since I lost my job two weeks ago. He goes to the store and buys all of the ingredients for me to make my speciality, nachos. He wanted to eat that and Jers likes it so on the way out the door he goes, Im getting stuff for nachos. Most people would say, hey, you feel like making nachos? But not him. His way of asking is saying, Im getting the stuff. When he said it out the door I replied, are you making them? He said no. I gave him the evilest look that I could because just the day before we had a massive blow out and I didn’t really feel like cooking for him. He ignored me and got the shit. When he got back this time I could tell that he had tied on a few. When Mack wants to fight he says, “So what, are we going to argue about this now?” This is my cue that the fight has already begun and I didn’t know it. So he comes into the living room and says move over, I want to use the computer. This is after his shower. He comes into the living room, sits down on the couch and turns the fan on me. I’m cold and I don’t want the fan blowing my cigarette ash all over the couch. I say, here is the comp, could you turn the fan off me or sit over there? He gives me a maddening look. I push the table closer to him and the ghetto rigged computer closer to him and he falls back in the chair, kind of like a spoiled 6 year old would and has a fit. I mean he is a 35 year old man and he literally pokes his lip out and leans back in the chair and says, its not even worth it now. I say, I just dont want the fan on me. He says, you’re too much. You can’t scoot down some? Mind you, the computer is ghetto rigged because two days before he threw it up against the wall. Mind you I was wrapped in covers on the couch because the night before we had such a big fight I slept on the couch. I was like, just use the computer on that end, thinking it wasn’t that big of a deal, but knowing he had the potential to throw it again over something so trivial. So he says, So, I want to sit on the couch and watch the show and use the computer. We’re gonna argue about this now? That was when I knew he had roped me in again. I always say after that, we are not arguing and I did this time as well. But then he responded with, “You’re a pig. You can’t scoot down on the couch. In five years you’re gonna take up the whole couch. You’re disgusting to me. Ugh. Look at your arms.” This is when I literally lose it. This is normal for him. Everyday he finds a new way to try and insult me. Today, its my looks. I said, you cant sit on the edge I just don’t want the fan on me. I’m not a pig. He says, I think its time for you to leave, get your fat ass outta here. If we have to fight about me sitting on the couch to use the computer you need to leve. I’m tired of you. I’m tired of arguing with you. You ain’t running shit. Here we go again runs through my mind. Im 2000 miles away from home, I just lost my job ( because of him by the way yet that is another story) I’m broke, my son loves his school and I’m stuck here. So I say, I am really sick of you insulting me, this is too much. Mind you, he is sitting on the couch, using the computer, with the fan turned and I haven’t needed to move an inch. You’re disgusting he goes again. I say do you really think I’m disgusting? He gets up and says yes I do. He goes into what used to be our bedroom and closes the door. I can’t resist trying to hurt him back. Its such a dysfunctional situation. So I go open the door and say all of the things that are wrong with his looks like his hooked nose and his slow looking eyes and his hair line and fat belly. He gets up and walks past me into the living room claiming that I am bullying him. That I am harrassing him. This shit never seems to end. Whenever I leave he calls me back. And when he gets mad he says he only calls me back for financial reasons, he really needs a roommate. So you can imagine how bad it gets when I am not working. Mind you every job I have ever lost since 2008 has been because of a fight with him. He doesn’t care. He finally says, you’re gonna ruin christmas for your son. When are you leaving? All of this because I wanted to sit on the couch and use the computer? You’re too much for me. I’m lost. I’m alone. And I’m hurt.
My life felt like it was a shambles but I also felt like I was getting a brand new start. I had a suicide attempt earlier in the year which at the time was caused by PTSD and I didn’t find that out until many years later. My job offered me a position in California, which so exciting to me being from an inland state. I had dreamed about California my whole life, thinking that I would hate it because the people were tauted as being so blonde and so fake but I always heard that San Diego was an awesome town and me and my friends had planned to retire there when we were older. We heard the weather in San Diego was perfect. Well the job that I was offered was in Pomona, CA but that still was less than a couple hours away from San D and about an hour or so away from the shore. I thought since I had so many issues in the midwest that CA would be a good change. There were so many surprises. People could go into grocery stores without shirts and actually shop and you could by alcohol on Sundays. I was blown away by the pacific ocean. I was in love with it. I didn’t know any one there but back home in Indiana the easiest way to meet people was in online chatrooms. So I decided to go into a room and see who I could meet. I met a few guys, one crazy asian guy who was like if I come visit you, then you are my woman. One strange mexican guy who wanted to have sex with a black girl so badly that he sent me a picture of his dick instead of his face. I met Jason, who turned out to be a sweetheart and good friend, Merk, who was funny and always had weed and Reggie. Reggie was tall and smart and beautiful. Dark brown skin, gorgeous. But even though Reggie was broke and I could tell this by his clothes and car, he was a poet and I loved a reader and a writer. We were supposed to go out one day and my midwestern girl kicked in when he tried to play me. He was supposed to show up at 8:00 and it was 8:05 and there was no call. I had dealt with these kinds of dudes in Atlanta and I knew what it meant. He was trying to see if I would wait. He was trying to make it a booty call. So I hopped back in the room to see who else was in there so I could be gone when he called. And thats when I met Mack. I dont remember what he had to say because actually at that point I was stone drunk. I wasn’t going to be driving anywhere and my baby was asleep. So I invited him to come over. He did, quickly. And when he got to my door he was so beautiful. Half breed dude with long curly hair and a blue bomber jacket on. He looked like a dream and I couldn’t wait to tell my girls back home that I was fucking , or going to be fucking him. He sat down on the couch, put his feet up on my table, took the remote and turned to Scarface. In an argument years later he told me that he was going to leave but I had a big screen tv and Scarface was on so that was why he stayed.
We’re driving down the street to get a replacement computer from wal-mart. We needed the replacement because Mack said that I tried to slap his finger tips in it when I closed it so he threw it against the wall. I told him that the one that he broke cost 700- too bad that he didn’t break my shit on Black Friday because he could have gotten a good deal on a new one for like a hundred bucks. He heard what he wanted to hear. We get to the parking lot and he says, I only have a hundred bucks when we get this computer we are not going to be able to eat. I say, what are you talking about we cant get a lap top for a hundred bucks! He starts shouting, but you fucking said we could. Remember? I said, no I didn’t. So he says, you’re a monster, Ugh, Ugh I cant stand looking at you, you are so disgusting, fat bitch. So I said, I must remind you of your mother you sixth grader. Where on earth can you get a laptop for a hundred bucks? And why the fuck are you insulting me? And then he hawks and spits in the middle of our arms intending to spit on me while driving in traffic. I thought that I was going to die. So I said, did you just fucking spit on me? Spit? Really? Spit? That is fucking gross. You are horrible. I took his jacket from the back seat and threw it out the window. He got out of the driver seat and walked around to retrieve the jacket. So I climbed into the driver’s seat. I could not have been madder. I followed him while he walked down the street with is jacket in hand, hurling insults back out the window, telling him to take the christmas deco back and just get my comp fixed. It was mine, not his. I bought it when we broke up and had it for like 8 months. I was slowing down traffic yelling at him for spitting on me. I finally went back to the condo, exhausted mentally and fully prepared to have a nervous breakdown.