March 23, 2010
I could look at my life right now and say damn-
this is not what I planned. I am a failure.
I could do this and I have said this.
It’s a bad cycle of endless self abuse based on unrealistic expectations placed on me by other’s thoughts and opinions, the trapping sof the fairy tale good life, and weakness. It only breeds more self loathing and dissatisfaction. I’m reaching the top of a mountain- a plateau- and dealing with the adverse in my life has made me a pathetic
I don’t even feel smart, beautiful or creative anymore because I am so caught up with the “shoulds”
You should have this, you should be here- you should look like this…. The security of constant insecurity has created a thick blanket of darkness around me and I’m tired of feeling pushed over and pressured and stressed by every little thing.
The only fun I ever have is when I’m intoxicated to the point where nothing matters or someone is blowing my head up to get what they want out of me. This is my life and I’m old enough now to see this ride for what it truly is and be grateful everyday I’m still on it. The worst thing I could be is dead and still breathing. I’ve been looking at accomplishments for validation. But what is it all worth if you hate yourself?
We see the rich in pain all the time and somehow we are all longing to be a little more free. Our lives in boxes have become impenetrable prisons of perceptions and my head has been cloudy with the weight of not being good enough.
But for the most part I’m doing ok.
I can still see and hear and I can walk and I can read and I can write and I can sing and I can love myself and others- I can be creative, funny and kind. So what if I don’t have everything advertised on the idiot box. I have this body and this mind for a few more years and instead of putting,myself and my circumstances down I need to face the reality that this ride is short and there is so much of it to enjoy.
My values need to be in concert with what I believe and I can no longer afford at this age to be afraid of what others think of me. They are their on their own rides trying to make the most of it too. I vow today to stop beating myself and my family up. I vow to be beautiful to me on the inside and outside. TO ME! I vow to appreciate and encourage my loved ones before its loo late. The past has no hold over me as long as I let it go and today I choose to be happy and satisfied with right now.
That is not failure.
That is success.