I only ever knew you as silly.

And when I was 11 I thought that the sun and moon

Revolved around your silly face.

I wrote my name next to your name so the letters could kiss.

I was a silly girl then.

The days moved and the nights lasted and years passed

And I saw you

Every once and a while

Making my chest cave in

And everything I wanted that day did not matter

Cause there you were.

But then for a while

For a long while

For twenty years you disappeared-

My memory minimized

And snapshots of laughing was all I had to remember you by-

I thought of you every time I decided that some guy would be

My man

Because he had your hands

Or your laugh

Or your mannerisms

And on the day of my sixth anniversary

With your closest look-a-like

You emerge from the darkness

Eager.

The days moved and the nights lasted and years passed-

Pensive- fresh from prison

Deliberate- needing someone

And claiming that I am this to you

And I am that in your eyes

Always have been according to you…

All these years I was the one and if only and you tried to tell me.

With what?

Jokes?

Sweetie-

I know the truth

I see the player in you. The lonely hungry wolf in you. The broken boy in you.

Always have always will

Which is why the grass doesn’t grow on the side of the wall

And Tuesday and Thursday are separated by Wednesday

The days moved and the nights lasted and years passed

I wish that I was only 12 and I could still believe

But I know

And you know

That the time of you fulfilling my desires

Dissipated into yesterday

With my Barbies and crayons.

You’re still cute though.

Silly.