I hope that Pamela doesn’t come to sit over here. She always smells like mustard.

Hey Pam! How’s your day so far?

I already know what she is going to say. She is in some kind of agony after a long night of acting like a college student. I hope that I don’t run around acting like I’m in a Madonna video when I am her age.

Girl, I am so tired. I went to a rave last night with my daughter and her best friend Eyo who is a DJ and busted up my damn knee doing the splits in the wet tee shirt contest.

You? Really?

Here it comes. Somehow this is going to have something to do with the seventies. Does anyone else smell mustard besides me?

Yeah and can I tell you something, T? The little pills everybody was taking were not breath mints!

No, Pam, seriously, you did drugs at the party?!

People like her never die. She is the female version of Keith Richards.

Yes, girl everyone was eating them so I had three of them. I’m okay, I think. I can’t feel my thumbs yet but I’m okay, chile, I did way more than that in the seventies! The best part and don’t tell anyone was Eyo on the hood of my Suburban after taking those things. He has a body like a Greek wrestler and what a grip, my ankles are on fire!

Wow, okay that may have been a bit too much to share, Pam. Isn’t your daughter like 18? How old is her best friend?

Oh he’s 18 too. Well he will be in two weeks. I used to babysit him. Did I tell you they were in junior high band together? Girl, it was wild this weekend. I was limping in church on Sunday! I told the pastor if was from jazzercise! Whew, my husband will believe anything!

Jesus fucking Christ.

What did you do this weekend, T?

Ate ice-cream. Masterbated in my bath tub thinking about my boss, Mr. Singh. Considered buying a few cats.

Nothing. Watched a little tv. Relaxed a bit, the usual.

You don’t ever go out,T? And you’re so pretty with a little make up and some clothes and a haircut and a colonic! You’re such a good girl,T, you need to get out there before it’s too late and your kitty stops purring! I think I have Eyo’s number in my phone, hold on…

It would be so nice if a terrorist burst through the window right now and blew my fucking head off.

Oh, no, Pam, thanks, that is okay. I’m boring, I know, but it works for me.

Shit, did you hear? The new girl is coming to replace Jody today.

Poor Jody. Must have been sent back to the mental institution that she escaped from.

So they finally fired Jody huh? Well good riddance, honestly Pam, she was a little bit off.

I know, ain’t that some crazy ass shit? You know she probably masterbated in the bath tub looking at cat adoption papers, fucking nut bag! You know damn well you don’t bring no gluten free muffins to a company potluck!

What? Yikes. Is she in my head?

True. But I mean she was going to eventually get canned though. She just kept randomly putting curses on people and hanging fish heads in people’s cubicles. That has to be breaking some kind of health code or something.

You know I heard she was telling accounting that she was a vampire priestess in another life! How the hell do you go from being a surrogate mom for Satan, to a vampire priestess, to a gluten free vegetarian? Nobody ate a single one of those muffins! Silly Bitch.

Sometimes I wish that I worked somewhere else. This office is like high school 2.0

Well I’m full. I guess I should be heading back to the grind. Anybody seen the newbie yet?

Nah, I haven’t but ask Robert. He interviewed her I think. Knowing him she can’t type but she got tits bigger than basketballs! Did I ever tell you about the time me and Grace Jones and Donna Summer paid those gay twins to lick grape jelly off…

I feel dirty. I must interrupt her for my own sanity.

Uhm, look at the time! Pamela, not to interrupt you but I’m gonna be late! I haven’t seen Robert all day, where is he?

He went to get a cake for Singh last I heard.

Why would Singh need a cake?

 It’s his birthday.

She is in my head. Bloody hell.

Oh damn, Pam, I totally forgot, Singh’s birthday is today?

This is awkward. Am I blushing? I hope that I am not blushing. I’m going to sip my coffee, wave good bye and walk away. Yep. That is what I am going to do. As soon as I can get my feet to move.

He ain’t on no termination spree ‘cause you forgot it was his damn birthday, calm down!  Ain’t yall still fucking?

What? Me? What? “Still”? Does everyone think that? I would not ever do that. Ever.

Smooth. Real  stealth.

Hmmm I don’t know, that’s what Jody told the guys in shipping.

Hoping Jody gets hit by a van full of vampire priestesses transporting gluten free brownies to a Satanist rally and killed.

You so gullible, T, ha ha ha, she ain’t say that shit, but I bet yo ass was glad she was fired when I said that! Oh you should see yo damn face, girl! Ha ha! Everybody knows you ain’t Singh’s type! He is fine as hell though. He look like this guy I used to be sweet on in the seventies right after I married the minister. Helluva grip!

Shit. Laugh it off. Go back to your desk. Do not hire a hit man to kill mustard mistress. Look for one way flights to Tahiti instead. And forget about sending Singh an e-card. He’s your damn boss. And apparently you’re not his type.