Later, this afternoon, when I feel better about myself

Last night I had a fight with my so-called.

.It was a stupid fight, like all of our fights are, but the both of us are so dumb neither one will lay down so that it can be over. We both have to be the right one in the end.

Problem is I usually am the right one and no matter I calmly  broach the subject of my rightness, much like a spoiled brat high-school teenage sluttish bitch he will pull up any and everything that pushes my buttons. I know his ultimate goal is to shut me up but that has never worked so I feel like he is borderline retarded for going for the gut check every time. It only ends up with him wearing spaghetti or sleeping on the couch.

So as sure as my name is what it is, he pulled this stupid card and you just don’t know how fucking tired I am.

I am so tired of having the same conversation about who he thinks I am.

I’m so tired of having to defend my character every single time I have a gripe about anything.

But it always ends with me verbally destroying him, and him wondering why he hasn’t committed suicide and me going to bed alone which I hate.

The worst of the worst of it all is today he will wake up and move about like nothing happened.

He will act like it didn’t occur until the next fight when he remembers which comments had the most emotional pull and use those same ones in a more ninja like fashion.

And I cry too much when I am with him. Now granted on the surface of things he is way better than any of my close friends so-called. One is a borderline schitzo, one hates brown people ( but my friend is Mexican), one has a wife who he left for my friend and broke up with and went back to only to get her pregnant a week before he moves back in with my friend.

All in all I got the verbal abusing tard so that is not so bad.

But after the fight I went to bed and dreamt about Kane. I dreamed that he was in my home town and some how I was transported there and he looked and smelled gorgeous as usual, and I was on my P&Q’s just being the best version of myself and he was unimpressed. So he spent the night with my gay bestie in my dream instead of me. And when he woke up he took my little sister out for lunch and just pretended I never existed.

I woke up even more angry.

I have unresolved issues in my home and with a potential business partner.

I have an ex who haunts my dreams.

And I have 3 days until my birthday.

My fingers are tense. And I have never been very good at relaxing.

So I decided to write it all down to see if it looked dumb on the monitor to see if an answer would pop out at me and reveal itself and the only thing that happened is my cheeks got puffy from the crying.

My so called hates when I cry.

I cry because I don’t know what to say.

I cry because yelling hasn’t worked.

I cry when I don’t know what else to do.

So I will probably listen to Smokey Robinson on the way to work in the car.

I will probably not really pick up in mood until this afternoon when I realize I am not in control of anyone but myself.

When I remember that I have a spa date set up for my birthday weekend.

When It comes to my attention that I am a good person, a good mom, and pretty decent writer and great at my daytime gig.

I will smile then.

I look forward to that.