No matter what I did or where I went people were always staring at me. For a while I thought it was because they knew somehow I couldn’t hear. I haven’t been able to hear ever. So when they stared at me the way they stared at puppy dogs, I thought it was because they felt sorry for me that I could not hear them say hello or good morning.
I learned very quickly that this was not the reason. They were staring because I was beautiful. Isn’t that something? I couldn’t hear a birds wings flap but apparently I had the face of any angel and the shape of a super model when I was only 12. My little cousins would write me notes in the dirt and on napkins at restaurants that read, Alicia, those people think you are so pretty…grandma just told the preacher you’re her prettiest grandchild. I dunno why but those compliments made me feel special. Made me feel loved. I didn’t have to wear make up as teenager, I could read lips. Everybody in my class and two grades ahead felt the same way…Alicia is gorgeous, Alicia has an amazing body, God, Alicia is so pretty.

My father thought I was pretty too. He never said it, or at least I never heard him say it but I know he liked my body because he used to sneak into my room at night. Probably started coming in at night when I was about seven. And if I was lying face down he would just pull back the covers, pull down my panties and massage my butt. I never moved or said anything because I didn’t want to get put on punishment. He used to do the same things that he did to mom and he loved her so I knew that when I grew up I was going to get a good husband too since I was so beautiful.

I really am still surprised it didn’t work out that way.

When I was in high school and I started having sex I always picked the boy who said I was the prettiest. I knew that one was going to be the one. He loved to parade me around in front of his friends and let them watch me make love to him. I never heard them ask him for permission to join in but I had to assume they did since he was always smiling when one of his friends waited for him to be finished and then pulled down his pants and put himself in my mouth.

My father was very disapproving  of the boys who came around. I could read lips. He would say things in front of them like, she is a stupid deaf whore! She is only pretty and that’s about all she is worth! Get out of here!

I thought that he was only saying that to protect me. Until I realized, I couldn’t read or write that well. I had planned my whole life to just marry some wonderful man who could see how beautiful I was but they wanted someone that they could talk to.

They couldn’t talk to me.

Because I couldn’t hear.

And my speech, well I never heard anyone else speak but they way they looked at me when I tried let me know I must have been horrible at it.

Fortunately my five kids love me. Each one of them doesn’t care that they don’t know or see their fathers and they are so excited when I come home from the strip club with bags of candy for each of them.

They draw the most beautiful pics of me and put them on our fridge.