I pulled a serious dip shit move last night, I’m not ashamed to admit it and I am surprised and humbled that it actually worked out. I just started a new job last week and money is obviously low. Pay day is around the corner but I had five dollars cash and I knew what I really wanted. What I really needed. Cigarettes. I started up my car to head to the gig and what happens? The gas light comes on. Fuck. Now I had read in the manual, well in some manual, well…somewhere…that when the light comes on you have like, 26 miles to ride on before the tank is really empty so I figured, meh…I’ll get the smokes, and come back home and get money for gas from the boyfriend. No big woup. I hope you are following so far. I get off work and its pitch dark outside at 5. Its wintertime, right? I’m driving along, smoking my square and the Tardis stops. My baby runs out of gas in the middle of the busiest street at rush hour. I throw on the hazards and coast out of the intersection. Fuck. Again. I’m about ten miles from home so I decided to bust out the cell and call my boyfriend. Yes, the phone is dead and I don’t have a charger. Great. I get out and get my bearings. I see a tax office still open so I go over and ask to use their phone. It doesn’t dial out. Great. I walk for a while and come to a sandwich shop where there are two guys standing outside chatting. I ask them if they can help me push the car out of the street at least and tell them what happened. One of the guys has a truck that has a push bar or whatever you call it in front so he was happy to help. The Tardis is safe in a parking space so I figure there must be a gas station nearby, I’d just walk down and get some gas and walk back. In heels. Fuck, a third time. As I am walking and asking strangers to use their phones, who refuse, I realize I don’t have any fucking money, just a pack of cigarettes. No gas can either. I find a security vehicle in the Wal-Mart parking lot who lets me use the phone. My boyfriend can’t drive to get me,I remembered once I called him because he is in the process of getting a new car and its already been traded in. So he says, hey I think I left my gas can in your trunk. Im sure someone on the street will give you a couple of bucks. At this moment I hate the world. Its Las Vegas. What the hell am I going to have to do to get people to give me money? I walk, in the hell heels all the way back to the car just to find out, he left everything in the world in my trunk, but no gas can. I’m shitty and tired. I walk back down to the business part of the street and about a mile from where I am I can see three gas station signs catty corner from each other. I manage to scrounge up a dollar from my jacket pocket and the ground. The first two gas stations don’t sell the cans and they do not have an emergency one that I can use. The third one has a can but I have to buy it. Its 14 bucks. I have one buck. So I tell the guy since no one is in the station, Hey I will leave my phone and my driver’s license with him as proof that I will come back. All I need is to get a dollar’s worth of gas and get my car ten miles or so down the road, get some cash from my dude and I will be back to pay. He is not trying to help me. I’ve been out here for hours stranded, my kid is home and I just need a little help. Instead of offering suggestions he decided to tell me all the ways my situation could have been worse.

At least you have a car to be stranded in.

At least your legs aren’t broken.

At least its not 20 below out and snowing.

I can feel the tears welling. My thought was God, please help me. I am a dumb ass! If I could just find another quarter, maybe I could take the bus home, and then get some cash and take the bus back and then buy a fucking gas can and get some gas and drive my car back. A woman overhears his preaching and asks, what do you need? I couldn’t hold back the crying. I told her I was coming home from work, I ran out of gas a couple of miles back, my phone is dead, I have no money, I know no one over here, this guy won’t let me use his gas can and I’m pretty scared and frustrated. She said, we’ll God is here to help you. I have access to an extra can at my home about two blocks away. I will go get it and you can use it. She left and of course my first thought was, that was really sweet of her. She left and after a half hour, I figured she wasn’t returning. I was thinking maybe if I just asked everyone that came in for a dollar I might be able to make this happen. But lo and behold she came back. She couldn’t find her spare can but she said that she could take me down to Wal-Mart to buy one. I told her thanks but that I had no money for that. She said no problem, she would buy it for me, keep the receipt and just take it back when I was done. I couldn’t have been more grateful. She told me that she was gay and that she and her wife to be were going to Washington to get married and she had just stopped by that gas station to get a few odds and ends before they hit the road. She said to call her Pat.

I couldn’t stop saying thank you and hadn’t thought that maybe she was a psycho killer going to hack me into bits. She put five in my tank and told me to be safe and sent me on my way.
What was driving me crazy was that she said God was there to help me. And I distinctly remember asking God for help right before she actually showed extreme kindness.
So, God, If you are still listening, could you help me quit smoking, too?