I was afraid I wasn’t going to bleed. I am not ready to be a mother again so soon after my son. That would be Trevon’s dream. I guess I try to convince myself one way or the other on how I feel about him. He made me dinner last night. He brings me drinks and buys me squares and makes my bed. He rubs my back kisses my toes and ravages my pussy with his super long tongue. He tells me he needs me, wants to start again with me, loves me more than anything. His best friend, his mom, his brother, his dad and sis and even his kids are convinced I am the one for him.

My son loves him.

And he has been sleeping with us nearly every night for the past three weeks.

I enjoy his wit and drive. He scares me because I worry if he is the one for me.

But then we started finishing each other’s thoughts.

I’m his Queen he says.

Intellectually he’s always challenged me. And physically he’s always gone beyond to please me.

He says he’s got no more heras or hares or however you spell it but I don’t know how easily I can trust it.

But love always trusts.

I hope to move away in a few months. Only issue is a sitter.

I’m so terrified inside that I am being unruly and stupid for falling for him again.

But the security is there- the depth of love I’ve always wanted.

True love always forgives. Why do they say then it never forgets?

I don’t think my family will understand our reconciliation.

He’s not bothered by the fact that I am fat- he swears I’ve got a good body.

Crouching Tiger won like 5 Oscars!

Am I being true to myself if I stay with someone whose flaws I detest or am I being true to myself by not trying to have a real commitment because I am afraid of mistakes?

It doesn’t matter what my sister or anyone else thinks of him, it never did.

I guess I imagined my dream man to be taller-but like Trevon says- types are fallacies.

His type is a dark skinned girl and look at me…

He came back.

That must stand for something. It must mean something.

He came back.

To tempt me or because he is mine?

05/03/01

I may make it to Tampa. Not with Kane. Who mind you has haunted me like a silent predator in my head. And not with Adonis who seems to be a lot less gay and a lot more gun-shy. Things are looking up for me and Trevon. We’re getting to know each other again and he seems so sincere. I guess trust will be the big issue. He says he likes it when I dress provocatively- he likes dudes to gawk at me. He wants so many things that are beyond possibility sometimes.

 If I could hold his huge dreams up I’d sink under the weight.

05/17/01

Things have been…decent.

Trevon didn’t bother to call or come home last night. My initial reaction was he isn’t okay. Something bad has happened. Then my emotion changed to anger because of his hoe days. Maybe he got caught up.

Its noon the next day and still no word.

I don’t want to be an old stick in the mud hag but I got one kid.

And really that is all I need.

 I can see why my grandma would be pissed when I stayed out all night and didn’t bother to call. It’s rude.

Where the hell?

We had this issue 7 years ago.

Sometimes I want to give up.

I can’t teach an old DOG new tricks.

Its better than pining over Kane or being horny.

I’m confused.

What should I say?

I don’t want to come off like his ghetto ex would have.

I’m so pissed about work and about this shit.

I could use a blunt and a 40!