Back again

Back to thinking

Back then was when I was
Able to fight, I couldn’t
so now I beat myself to pieces
Why didn’t I say fuck off to the creep who stole my money
Before he had the chance?
Why didn’t I say no to the first guy
who held my heart in his hands?
If I sit here and think about
it long enough can’t I ever go back
Can’t I see it differently~
Pretend it isn’t me?
But soon I’m…
Back again
Back to thinking
Back when I could change it
Why didn’t I scream when my
uncle in law pulled down my pants?
Why didn’t I just keep running
Before the bullies had the chance?
No one seems to understand
I see it all so clearly
over and over again
Every pain on a constant loop

Neverending
Playing day and night behind my smiles
Wishing I could fix some of it
any of it, travel so many less miles
I’m cold to the touch
My skin is thin, the present, just
yesterday’s past, I know
Spinning my wheels over nothing at all
and I’m hurting over ghosts
I’m dying over memories
that really should not get to define me
How does anyone let the past go
When does the question “why” fade

like the end of a song?
Perhaps when I can’t go back to thinking
Perhaps when back again is gone
Perhaps when I love the one I am being
Perhaps when I decide I must move on..