I wonder if I hadn’t stolen that food the time that I was hungry
or hadn’t helped that bitch I don’t even fuck with anymore destroy her boyfriend’s car
or hadn’t moved to Las Vegas
or hadn’t tried MDMA
or I hadn’t sucked that guy’s dick behind that dumpster at Penn State although he hadn’t asked me to
or hadn’t moved to the Inland Empire
or hadn’t tried cocaine
or I hadn’t pretended my aunt didn’t call my name from the other room to come help her when my uncle was beating her
or hadn’t moved to New York City
or had never smoked a blunt I didn’t get to see rolled that was filled with Sherm
or hadn’t hopped a Greyhound from Indianapolis to Atlanta to spend the weekend with a guy I had never seen in person before
or hadn’t tried whiskey
if I’d be dead now?