Twenty Times Twenty One

Uhmkay.

Sooooo mercury is in retrograde. I never knew what that was supposed to mean so I looked it up today. Apparently mercury looks like it’s moving backwards from earth’s surface during this time. No harm no foul. But the astrology folks believe it means communications and travel can suck a bit.

Then I thought hold on, isn’t Virgo ruled by Mercury? I looked that up too.

Apparently, it is.

So I thought well let’s see what the impact this is supposed to have on the children of Mercury- and uhhh. Then I had to, because the monster showed up out of the blue that I had to check Aquarius too. Jiminy Christmas.

First- I have an unlisted video on YT of a spicy text thread I’ve saved from 5 years ago and recorded and posted the conversation 3 years ago to save for myself- I dunno as evidence I wasn’t making the shit up, it really happened, and it was hot as fuck- unbelievably so without proof …it came to me this morning, prior to my research to send the link to the monster. He has been messaging me all this nonsense about why he wanted to be dominated back in the day etc and what he wants now… and I, as much as I love it, just can’t get into it like I used to because for one, when I started to scroll through the convo it was not much different than the one we were having now, underneath all the lust there was I want you to do something for me and getting to do it for me should be enough- and is it…its also because

He did not sleep with me last night. He will not sleep with me tonight. Tomorrow either. If he wants nostalgia, I was going to share it and say this should hold you over but if it’s not enough anymore, come see me.

I haven’t said this or done this yet. I’m happy to sit around and just enjoying dying slow but he does something to me, and I’m saying I understand when I just want to be on my tip toes choking or kissing the man, either one, really, will do-something to look forward to…

My scope said
This is your calling to put on Netflix and basically rot if you want to bring that vibe to the beach go for it just try to unwind and relax that means not engaging with people who stress you out or taking on extra projects at work peace out of responsibilities now.

How was I not supposed to scroll down and read his too. His said
A former flame is looking real cute in their IG selfies propelling you to send a flirty DM even though you might think you’ll make it as a couple this time their actions will speak louder than words pay close attention to their behavior and their stories on social media

Well if you don’t think I took my ass to the beach then you’d be wrong.
I still have not sent the video although I had already opened the door by telling him I would look through my library of things I have from over the years that I could send him and that I had found the perfect thing for the moment.

This morning he texted…what do you mean?
and I haven’t given a response yet.
I think I need to figure out what I meant, to myself, first.
He didn’t sleep with me last night, won’t again tonight, or tomorrow either.
Do I want him too, or do I like him better, from an insurmountable distance
the monster is muse, no doubt, whenever he is floating around my brain I sing choruses of songs that didn’t exist otherwise, I don’t dilly dally with my little exercise, I feel very accomplished about my writing and can’t even contain all the ideas that bubble up. I want to be better because he doesn’t really care if I do but if he ever turned back around to look, I wouldn’t see disdain. But what else besides this do I expect him to do, do I need him to love me too? I used to think so. I thought it wasn’t real unless we lived together and made each other miserable every day. Other times I think we are simply intertwined in this life and perhaps he’s not the one, but one of them, and we just so happen to be alive at the same time in the same hemisphere and we know each other’s names, and although our skins haven’t touched in a decade the intensity hasn’t gone away at all. We’ve never actually had to stare at it this whole time though. Only glimpses, apparently when he is feeling low and I’m at my strongest. My little demon comes to siphon off enough energy to keep me invested in his growth and then takes off.
But if it comes back it’s yours, no?
I’m staring at what do you mean, in my phone.
I want to respond come see me, but I won’t.
How conceited of me to assume the person in his, the flirty DM recipient was me at all, it could have just been a coincidence, or a bunch of hypothetical bullshit, none of this matters, not one lick of it, when in ten years time from today he will be 41 and I will be finishing my last summer of my 50’s at 59…will I look back on me in this moment, with regret?
I obviously don’t know yet. I don’t want to be jealous, or needy, or dependent, or subservient.
I’ll say well, that moment passed darling, what should we do now, and send him a link to this.