When you do it 34, maybe 35 times…

She lit the vanilla incense and nearly forgot to also light the candle because the overhead stove fan was blowing the fragrance right into her bifocal lenses. The cheap disposable lighter she found in a couch cushion had no fluid so the candle remained unlit. She sulked. She shook her head at herself, shrugged her shoulders and plopped down on the sofa.
“What’s wrong with your ass now?” The other woman asked her.
“I dunno,” she started staring into the middle distance trying to remember where else she last saw a lighter, “I have just been in a mood lately, nothing seems to be going quite right.”
The woman rolled her eyes.
“How do you mean nothing?” the other woman asked.” Something wrong with your breathing? Major bills not getting paid?” She made a suspiciously skeptical face.
“Why you gotta be so literal all the damn time, no, no catastrophes have befallen me today, and yet I feel like I’m doomed, I know that doesn’t seem possible to you unless someone is getting dissected by a meat cleaver, but yeah I’m a bit frustrated.” She patted her pants pockets for a lighter.
“Don’t be literal just dramatic aye, okay, well then we’re all doomed, why is this revelation so special when it comes to your demise versus anyone else’s?” There was silence for a moment since she thought there might be a lighter in the kitchen junk drawer so she rushed off to check.
Nothing.
She came back into the room, sullen and dug around in her bookbag hoping another lighter was deep in its pockets but there was no joy. If she couldn’t light the other candle, she certainly wouldn’t be able to light the joint, and lighting the joint was the real reason for all the vanilla filling the air.
The woman watched her flip lipsticks and body mists from her back all over the couch and decided to focus and talk.
“Come sit, said the woman, “you know you could just light another incense stick on your stove, use it to light the candle, and then use the candle to light your joint right? Find the lighter later. Tell me about your super special doom.”
She threw her hands up in defeat and plopped down on the sofa.
“You’re kind of being an asshole right now but I will tell you anyway,” she said, sinking deeper into the chair, ” I genuinely feel like giving up on men completely.”
“Ha, of all things, you haven’t done that yet? Do tell me what’s dooming you about that?”
“I just don’t see how other people are doing these relationships, like any of them- you will have to compromise period, or stay single. You will have to lie a little bit, about something, to make the shit work. You’re going to have to tolerate the mistakes of others that you would not make yourself if the thing is going to last any length of time.”
“No lies detected here yet.” The woman interjected.
She took off her glasses and wiped the lenses with her shirt and then put them back on.
“Well but I literally cannot with them. For example, this last weekend a guy who wants to see me has been talking to me for weeks about getting together. We finally pick a day, but on the day of, he still hasn’t provided a time, even though he lives in a different town and is driving to me. I didn’t hear any details so I just messaged him at 5 like, I would have appreciated it if you would have coordinated better with me because no set time by 5 PM means we need to do a raincheck. So l went and did something else with my evening, I have to work in the morning ain’t nobody got time to bullshit. 2 hours later the dude texted me and was like sorry he had to go get a part to fix his door’s window mechanism so he could roll it up or down on his drive to me and it took longer than he thought but he was going to hop in the shower, take his dog for a walk and be on his way. I said that’s alright, do you for the night, I’m on something else, I don’t do last minute. I believe you should begin how you mean to go on and our communication isn’t there yet. Have a nice night. Next day I checked and he had messaged me again talking about you’re right, my bad, I should have blah blah blah, can we start again.”
“Oh. What did you say?” The woman wondered, waving vanilla smoke away with her hand.
“I said if this is how you operate in preparation for a first date and already need me to forgive you and we haven’t been anywhere together yet, then more than likely this kind of behavior is just going to continue and I don’t have to spend one moment of my life whatsoever wondering where someone is. Time waits for no man and neither do I.”
The woman tried to hide a smile.
“Well you didn’t like him anyway then.” The woman told her.
“I could have, eventually, I mean what else is there to settle for other than he treats me well? And this is why I’m doomed. Because they all seem to be like this. No plans, no ideas, no useful skills, poor communication and its making me think not only is something wrong with them but something is wrong with everyone if this is the kind of dumb shit you have to deal with the get to the good shit.”
The woman came over and hugged her.
After a few seconds the woman said, “I mean, you should have standards for yourself, and honestly when you do, of course that is going to make the pool of potential candidates who are worthy of your time much smaller than it already was considering tons of factors like type, preference, location etc. What a privilege it is though to get to choose who you want to be romantically involved with instead of the alternative! What a world we live in now that if you choose to do as you said and remove yourself from dating as a lifestyle choice you can do that too and survive just fine. I don’t understand where the doom and gloom comes in, my love.”
She started to pout. She crossed her arms and sunk even deeper into the chair, pushing the woman away.
“Becauuuuuuse, I don’t want to be single this year for the holidays. I know its stupid and dumb but someone should get to enjoy how special I am, especially on special occasions. No I don’t need that to survive yada, yada but I want that and there doesn’t seem to be anything I can do to get that, and even if I had it, I’d have to give way more grace than I actually think people who want to be in relationships should have to give upfront. Everybody’s damaged, me too. Everybody is hard to live with, I’m the same. But this shit seems impossible, having to teach a man common courtesy disgusts me. The amount of good looking ones I run into who can’t read, or if they can, read trash, mistreat every woman they have ever met, on top of thinking we’re just objects, decorative ball vacuums and that’s at every strata of this stupid society! The last thing I want to hear from a man I just met who is trying to keep my attention is my fucking bad. Are you serious? My bad is for 10 years in, not the talking stages! I’m dooooomed, sis!”
The woman sighed.
“Well then accept that you don’t actually want to be in a relationship with anyone and what you are really looking for is an escort. The woman lit another incense stick on her stove. My recommendation would be to stop thinking it’s the end of the world because you can’t call some raggedy man your possession. The woman carried the lit incense over to the candle to light it as well. You’ve rented a car and a hotel before haven’t you and had a fabulous time. Then rent a man. It’s no different. The woman grabbed the joint from her friend’s ashtray and held it over the candle to light it using the flame. You just want a short term positive experience is what it sounds like, sort of like those resort stays you are always on about…that ain’t where you live but you can go there, every once in a while, pay for the service and then leave so, pay for a classy escort and shut your ass up. The woman hit the joint and then passed it to her. Ain’t nothing worth having free, doll, the woman offered, You will pay one way or another and it sounds like you me your best bet is to pay with cash. What a world, darling, what a world!”
The vanilla candle was much stronger than the vanilla incense stick by far.
“You’re still an asshole.” She said taking a long pull off the joint.
” Luckily I’m a keeper, huh?” The woman winked and turned off the overhead stove fan.