Ok I’m an Idealist but I am not stupid.

By no means do I believe that I am the most beautiful woman on the planet.

I’m pretty darn good, but I’m just saying.

Having said that,

I think my ex is a psychopath.

I’ve been researching the term so that I don’t jump to broad conclusions but I think,

He fits the bill.

So- How we met.

I was dating this dude named King who was supposed to pick me up for dinner and he was late.

I don’t do late,

and if we start off doing late

he will think late is acceptable.

This was seven years ago.

So to show him late was not acceptable-

being that I was already dressed I decided to hop on line and go into a chatroom to announce to all of Southern California that King was a turdface for standing me up.

I decided to do this after I cracked open a fresh bottle of Vodka.

I’m looking pretty with no where to go, not answering my phone etc, and then the ex, who was the nobody to me then starts chatting with me.

I have no idea what he said,

He had no picture on his profile, which was a bad sign but in my head I thought,’

EVEN IF HE IS FUCKING HIDEOUS ID BE BETTER OFF HANGING WITH HIM THAN BEING ALONE.

Never listen to vodka.

So somehow the conversation turns into him coming over to my pad, which he did.

I Like hair.

Its one of my favorite musicals.

Its one of my favorite things.

And when he showed up at my apartment he had all this curly long beautiful HAIR.

I don’t think I could have identified his face to the police until two years later when he cut it.

Turns out he was cute.

Mind you in those two years, we went from being sex buddies, to friends, to pals, to acquaintances, to semi-roomies and then back to friends.

I figured because he couldn’t make a commitment to me and because he didn’t work and because he didn’t like fucking me that he must have been gay. I wasn’t new to that situation. And since we had so much fun together and Iwas new to SO CAL we kicked it.

He introduced himself to my sorority sisters as my gay friend.

He introduced himself to my gay husband who came to visit as my gay friend.

My gay husband said, HE IS KINDA MANNISH, ISN’T HE?

That translates to , that dude is not gay, sweetie.

Turns out, one night when a guy I liked happened to be over when the EX who was pretending to be gay was over, that the ex wanted to make it known to me before I  made any big decisions that he liked me by plopping one of my breasts out while the three of us sat on the sofa watching SCARFACE and smoking a bowl. He plopped it out of my nightgown and put it in his mouth.

I was devastated but it felt so good.

We made love that night, with the guy I liked sleeping on the couch and from then on my ex had transitioned into being my man, unbeknownst to me.

He never left.

He stayed on my couch while I worked.

He never left.

He stayed in my bed when I traveled.

I couldn’t get rid of him so I figured, I guess I might as well love him. He is here anyway.

My job asked me to relocate to Las Vegas and then to Manila and since Manila was out of the way and my ex lived in Vegas ( He really did have a home) I decided to move in with him.

All we did, everyday was fight.

He said, IM PAYING THE BILLS NOW SO YOU SHUT UP.

I’M IN CHARGE SO TAKE OFF THOSE BIG EARRINGS AND WEAR TURTLENECKS.

DO AS I SAY.

I felt trapped.

I felt abused.

I left once, left him and some cat he called a friend that he invited to stay with us indefinitely in our one bedroom apartment that his mom was renting for us.

I drove, myself, and my son 2000 miles back to Indiana.

I was pissed.

I had gone from making 80,000 when I met him to being homeless and unemployed.

And being at home is never an option.

I was there, about a month before he called.

He had changed.

He wouldn’t embarass me, He understood I needed autonomy. He loved me. He missed me.

In my head, a ticket back,

SO I went back.

And for a few weeks he held my hand in public.

For a few weeks he didn’t call me a bitch or say I was stupid or tell me that I wanted too much attention all the time.

But sure enough, the real him came out.

See I wasn’t contributing to the household.

YOU DONT PAY THE FUCKING BILLS HERE I DO SO I DONT WANT TO HEAR IT!

WHY DO YOU WANT TO GO OUT AND MAKE FRIENDS? YOURE A WHORE.

I left again.

I left two more times.

He kept buying fishing rods. His mom kept putting worms on the hooks for him. I kept getting sucked back in.

In 2010 I had had enough,

It had been six years of the ping pong with a dude I met on the internet. Six years gone with a dude who didn’t read books. A dude with no ambitions. A dude at 34 who was still getting an allowance. A dude who thought dressing nicely meant you wanted to be with someone else. A dude who hated my son. A dude who told me when we first met a false first and last name. A dude who drank every day, all day and didn’t work. A dude who lived at my house for two years rent free and then when I came to live with him demanded I pay half  the bills when he was getting his bills paid in combination by the state of Nevada and his mom. A dude who only wanted to fuck me when I was about to leave again. A dude who only insulted me and never complimented me. A dude who never graduated high school. A dude who was gorgeous, but that I had to define words for like Matriculate and Aggregate and Elevate every time we had a conversation.

I was tired.

Those years, gone.

So I wished. I prayed. I saved up. I asked the universe for guidance. And On 12/31/2011 I left. For good. I moved into a new place, with a new whip, and a new job.

The ex moved back in with his mom.

Mind you she told me out of her own mouth in 2009: I wouldn’t care if you were a crack whore, Id rather him be with you than getting on my nerves. Might as well be together and be miserable than be alone. Let me pay for your plane ticket back, he misses you.

Now that I am single again- Now that my life is good again, I decided out of the kindness of my heart to unblock  him from my phone.

This is because after not communicating for 100 days he RANDOMLY shows up at my job.

His reasoning?

Because I was not responding to his calls, or emails.

I said, self, we are in a better place.

Dude is lonely.

Who would befriend him?

FORGIVE.

Be KIND.

I told him we could be friends.

But you can’t be friends with a fucking psychopath.

In the two years where he played gay and I stopped fucking with him he told me he was in a car accident.

A friend was drunk driving.

He showed up with a pus filled blood crusted face.

And I let him stay.

This was 2007.

Now it is 2012. He is 35. And he says the same thing to me on the phone. I  should have stayed in Vegas he said. Another accident. Another drunk driving, pants below the waist wearing, momma’s boy jobless friend driving.

His nerves are bad he says,

His dick doesn’t work he says.

He shakes.

Im healthy but apparently crazy because I feel empathy.

Psycho texts me his injury list.

I say that sucks.

Psycho says, Lets get back together.

I say no.

Psycho says put a jar of pennies on your desk. Ask new hires to guess how many are in the jar. The person who over estimates is an optimist. The person who underestimates is a pessimist. The person who gets close probably is a good decision maker and worth their salt.

I say okay.

I say when are you going back to your Mom’s in CA?

Psycho says in a couple of days when my bloodwork comes back from the accident.

This was two weeks ago.

Psycho says wanna make me dinner later?

Can Icome over later?

Wanna go for drinks later?

I say, no.

I work.

I’m tired.

We can’t.

But he begs. He begs by text for hours. For days.

I give in.

We can have drinks at the casino and that’s it, my house is off limits.

He says fine.

We go to the casino and he stares at me.

He says, we should get back together.

IF WE DO MY MOM WILL BUY US A HOUSE SO WE CAN GET MARRIED.

He says i like your new bed

He says let me spend the night.

He says let me spend the night over and over over and over over and over over and over over and over over and over over and over over and over over and over over and over over and over over and over over and over over and over.

Its 2 AM.

I’m drunk.

I say fine.

Psycho comes over and surprise his dick works. His dick works better than it ever has. His dick works like magic dick. I go for the gusto. In the six years we were together we fought alot because I never got head.

Never.

So I asked him for it.

And I got it.

And I was on my period.

Which I felt like was fair.

Then in the morning when I said he had to go, I should have known psycho would protest.

Psycho’s APT lease is up this month.

Psycho doesn’t want to leave.

We argue, just like old times.

IM STUPID, IM A BITCH , IM A CLOWN, IM COUNTRY, I WILL NEVER MAKE IT, I NEED TOO MUCH ATTENTION, IM A WHORE, IM COLD HEARTED.

Yay, this again.

I block the ex. I stop talking to the ex. I forget the ex.

Then, the ex shows up at MY APARTMENT.

With a letter.

I couldn’t call you and I wanted to say Im sorry. You were right, Lets just be friends. Please text me to let me know you got this.

I don’t shoot but I want to learn.

I say I got your letter, in a text.

Psycho says, Let’s get a drink. Let’s squash things and move forward. I’m sorry. I’m sorry.

Fine I say.

Fine.

And then, as sure as my name is what it is, we get together in a public place and he is all on me. He loves me. He wants me. Let’s get back together. Let me spend the night one more time. YOUR BED IS SO MUCH NICER THAN MINE.

He says let me spend the night over and over over and over over and over over and over over and over over and over over and over over and over over and over over and over over and over over and over over and over over and over.

Its 2 AM.

I’m drunk.

I say fine.

And I know better,

I have six years of experience I know how its going to go.

He doesn’t want to leave in the morning again.

More drama.

I snagged this from psychcentral.com -So who are psychopaths? Broadly speaking, they are people who use manipulation, violence and intimidation to control others and satisfy selfish needs. They can be intelligent and highly charismatic, but display a chronic inability to feel guilt, remorse or anxiety about any of their actions.

More I’m sorrys.

More can I swing throughs.

Still waiting on blood work.

Its been a month.

More lets get  few drinks and talk.

I’ll even sleep on the couch instead of in your great bed.

I said NO.

I said You are very disrespectful of my decisions. You take my kindness for weakness. I took very good care of myself before I met you and as you can see, I take very good care of myself now that you are gone. I want some rest. I want some peace. I want some quiet. I want to be alone. I want to be single. I don’t want to be in any kind of couple with you. Thank you.

He says.

Oh I get it.

I see.

I understand.

That’s cool.

You right.

Then I sigh.

FINALLY.

Until I get the text five minutes ago:  from him: That reads: You wanna chill for awhile?

So I am convinced and I hope that you are now convinced.

My ex, is indeed. A psycho.

Thinking of sleeping on the floor awhile.