13)You can call him papi. Maybe even daddy. But if he has the same first name as your actual father, you can never call him that, in bed. 

12) If a man ever refers to himself as a pimp, you are obligated to embarrass him by youtub-ing him begging you for sex. Then you must sleep with any man he admires.

11) Always give a false name when the drinks are free.

10) Never fuck a stupid man. Unless he has long hair. Then he gets a pass.

9) Pay for everything. That way you can fuck on your own terms.

8) If he makes a mean omelet, reads poetry and gives good head, you should tip him.

7) Boobs are for one thing only, not paying speeding tickets.

6) With the exception of hallucinogens and sex with a horse, you must try everything at least once.

5) It is every slutty lady’s duty to teach 17 year old athletes how to earn red wings.

4) Only spend time with people who kiss your ass.

3) If a chick walks in the room with your outfit on,  tear yours open and hike it up.

2) Never claim just one man. You have more than one kind of affection to give and more than one kind of mood.

1) Fuck first and then later, decide if you can be friends.


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