The Crush List

11. AKA Robert NewCastle….You’re sweet and I like sweet. You’re young and I like young. I respect you too much to violate you but if we should ever be drunk in close quarters you will become a victim of opportunity. And I have a really good feeling that you won’t fight off a MILF. In some ways it is a rite of passage.

10. AKA Silk Mafia…Cause you’re so gorgeous and you wear horrible suits to work almost like you are doing it on purpose- like you say to yourself in the morning, fuck it, I look good and who is ever going to complain that the shine from my suit blazer is blinding them? No one. And you have the coolest Harley and you look like a knight when you get off of it and sometimes you come by my office just to get candy out of my candy jar on my desk and the days that you don’t seem like they never end.

9. AKA Hip Crusher…You hate me but I love it since it means you think of me anyway. And all I ever wanted was for you to think of me. It sucks that I had to be a total horrible bitch just to get your attention. It sucks that I had to make you hate me to get you to feel anything. But there is still hope right?I can still win you over after 20 years right?

8. AKA Officer Friendly…We had our issues but its because you’re a chicken, not me.

7. AKA White Bob Marley…Everything about you makes me swell swoon and scream. You have the best smile on earth. You know how some people look at babies and the baby is so comfortable that the baby will start mimicking the expressions of the person that is staring at them? That is how everyone is the world is around you. When you smile, even if they are so pissed off, they smile too. I think your smile is made of angel dust.

6. AKA Be Low..The first kiss I ever tasted was yours. It tasted like milk.

5. AKA 4 days…You will always be sexy to me, even if you are 2000 miles away and a pimp. And the fact that you are a pimp will always keep me out of your bed. Two shepherds together and no sheep is not an attractive scene.

4. AKA Keenan…My legs my eyes my arms my hands quiver when I utter your name…no nickname needed. Keenan. Only you could make me kick someone out of my bed, have a shower, and then sleep with you.Tell your dick I said, call me.

3. AKA Busted tree..I call you that because I bruised my face when you walked by because I ran into a tree. I didn’t see a giant fucking tree in my path because I was too busy staring back at you.Worth it. I’m still staring back all these years later.

2. AKA Hitdices…You have been the kindest man I have ever known.I wish sometimes that I was equipped to love a kind man when you and I were close. I needed an aggressive man and I understand why you don’t have to be that way, you’re nearly seven feet tall. No one poses a threat to you. And at the time I did not recognize your gentleness as a strength. I regret that tremendously and miss you often.

1. AKA Lex Luthor. You are the devil. I worship at your altar. Nothing and no one compares to you.I’m Eve Tessmacher, your number one groupie.