Well Doctor,

I wanted someone for a long time. I had him once and because I lost him I figured that I wasn’t finished with him and I wanted him all over again. But sometimes I have to consider the fact that I lost him. Doesn’t matter the reason. And losing him might have been the best thing for me. He is a big fat yesterday. I love Kane. And why won’t I let go? I don’t know if I could do this again now. Being his girl again I mean. I could if he just said that was what he wanted honestly I would give it my all but the facts are the facts. He wasn’t all that interested back then. I mean I broke up with him a long time ago and then he broke up with me and he told me to move on and now he is dating all these people and being obvious about it. I’m not saying I’m not dating but I’m not throwing it up on my FB page. I may blog about it but that is art. My fucking pain is fucking art. He’s just  dating girls. Girls who are 5’6. Girls who are 136 pounds. His ideal girl. WHO IS NOTHING LIKE ME. WE’RE JUST FRIENDS. WHY does that HURT? Why does that make me cry? Because he was the one and I let him go and I thought that I had another chance and it doesn’t really seem like I do and I know in my heart something is not right it’s real loose and I don’t want to set myself up for failure again. I hate Kane. I’m 5’9. And let’s be honest shall we? Perhaps what I really want is just to have him, control him maybe and keep him in the closet away from the sunlight. Scream MINE when anyone draws near. The last time I was 136 pounds I was in seventh grade. But that is not love. I don’t love him if I feel that way do I? But I feel that way about my arm. I don’t want anyone to take my arm off, I need my arm. I don’t say sweet things to my arm, like hey arm, you are amazing. Perhaps I should but I don’t. I just want it to fucking be there all of the time. MINE. I lost him. I lost him because of him. He did not give me all of the “you are amazings” that I require. I’m not a fucking arm I need to hear that shit. He just looked at me and had sex with me sometimes and mostly shook his head at me in a condescending way and I cheated on him to get back at him for being that way and 20 years has past and is he any different? Is he any less stuck up now? Am I am less needy now? Why wasn’t I telling myself that? I’ve heard it a million times from a million people why do I care what he thinks so badly? I want Kane. I wish he didn’t exist. I wish I never met him. I wish that my son wasn’t related to him. I wish I lived in a small French Polynesian Village on the other side of the globe and was not privy to any of this. WE’RE JUST FRIENDS. WHY does that HURT? Handle it. How to handle it? Alcohol therapy just makes me moodier. What I used to do when I couldn’t figure out what to do with him is have sex with someone else. Get some attention from somewhere else. And now I don’t even want that. FUCK YOU, Kane! I just want him to feel something. Anything. Or Die.

Prescribe me something dulling, please.