Love Terrorist

So yesterday when I was supposed to be writing new training material, I was actually on-line with one of my ex boyfriend’s, let’s just call him, Jiminy Cricket.

Jiminy is a good guy overall, much like one of those pointillism paintings where if you move back and squint you can see how awesome it is. I suppose we are all like that on some level.

Jiminy works in IT for the government now and when I was dating him he was just a sweet young whippersnapper in college studying computers. He was cute and really great in bed and back then I didn’t think a whole lot about the guy I should be with in the future. Jiminy is about 4 years younger than I am and now that we are communicating again, he is reliving our old relationship a lot.

I forgot half of the stuff he is stuck on that is so fresh in his memory.

He remembered what my bedroom looked like in the nineties.

He remembered coming to visit me from Florida and hanging out with my friends and family.

He remembered when my grandma dyed her hair blonde.

I used to think he would be a good catch but he was just so mealy mouthed. So soft. And I just couldn’t see putting my security in the hands of a guy who wouldn’t send his overcooked food back at a restaurant unless I told the waiter for him. Now I was starting to see him like I saw all of my exes-guys with big dicks but insecure who like being dominated by a female. This is why I think these guys seek me out or are drawn to me in some way because they like bossy bitches. I didn’t even acknowledge that I was in that category until after I hit 30.

The other thing about my exes is that they are all in significant monogamous relationships of some kind now and they will all cheat on their spouses with me if the situation presented itself as such.

They call all the time when she is asleep.

They jack off to images of making love to me when she is in the shower.

Or at least they say so.

And whenever they get a chance to talk to me they do and it is always about how we should have been together.

And about our former sex life and how pleased they were.

Part of the reason for that is they know that the only two people who will ever know about it are the two people involved. I pride myself on being discreet mistress material.

So yesterday when I was supposed to be writing new training material, I was actually online with Jiminy.

And Jiminy was doing what all of my exes do at some point, flirting.

For a split second I agreed with him, I should have been his wife.

His real wife looks like me a little bit and she is very bossy like me.

So he is reminiscing and I am “LOL”ing and somehow the conversation drifts to my style of arguing in our relationship.

He remembers so much I don’t even remember fighting with him ever.

He said, I waterboard dudes.

I said …are you saying I torture guys?

Not just torture, but when you fight, you unleash so much shit all over them that they literally feel like they’re drowning. So much comes at them at once that they have no direction to turn in and no way to help you or stop it. They just have to let it wash over them or they will die faster. You will break a dude down to his bare bones when all he wants to do is love you and it just might not be exactly the way you like it so he is a failure and you ream him incessantly for hours.

Have you ever wanted to slap your monitor hoping the person on the other end could feel it?

I did.

Just then.

And then instantly I thought about my most recent ex, who I tell people is a sociopath, and Kane and all of the other guys I have ever been with for more than two nights and at some point, Jiminy was right. I waterboarded them.

If they do something wrong anything I let them have it.

All of it.

And maybe these guys don’t like bossy bitches. Maybe that is why they leave.

My ex told me ( socio) I am so afraid of being controlled, I become controlling.

My ex husband told me, The sun don’t rise and set on your ass like you think it does.

Kane told me, But you just throw yourself at dudes! Its too much.

And thanks to Jiminy all of those statements instantly made sense.

I am the constant in all of my failed relationships. Maybe I am the one picking out guys I know that I can disrespect so that I don’t have to get to close and really examine my own frailties so I use them and dump them and complain that I just can’t love a soft man, when really no one wants to love a hard woman.

And that is the part I refuse to accept or attempt to change.

This fucking conversation was supposed to be an ego boost not a morality lesson.

Ima love terrorist. A relationship saboteur.

I bet they all did love me on some level, truthfully, and I looked for all of the flaws I could find and tried to drown them to death in an ocean of my own insecurity as soon as they got comfortable.

I hated Jiminy for a split second and quietly ended the conversation.

I really am fucking female Darth Vader.

Bad ass.

And single.

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