Instead of getting down on my knees

And closing my eyes

And asking the mystery cloud master for guidance

I turn on a Beatles record-my shield

Drench myself in Marlboro smoke

Stretch my body along my bed

And cry heavy words into my notebook

About how he, whoever I love in the moment, touched me once

About how I tried to make a moment endless-my strength

about how it cascades around in my mind for hours, days, years

And like any other addict

I search for other kinds of physical fixes to emotional woes

A new job, a new place, new people-my challenges

Nothing suffices but everything calms

When I select a new personal savior, a new him that I ache for

Then I put on a Fleetwood Mac record-my sword

Light a few candles-my respite

and stand in the mirror looking into my brain via my eyes

like any other fiend

day wishing about the blessings my mystery earth master, my imaginary lover-My god

Will bestow upon me

Nothing suffices but everything calms

with a first kiss-my motivation

Just to get through the day-my battle.

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