Buzz Kill

Sometimes I wonder who exactly is running this little experiment… What have they done to me?

Was I kidnapped and taken to a lab by moonlight

Was a Pavlovian trigger implanted into my psyche in a dream state

And now as a part of the research I have been asked to run to and from the same man?

What is the signal

? Is it a word?

When he says  I love you does my mind switch to some mushy recollection of treat receiving that makes my feet like magnets toward him?

When he says I’m a monster does it repel me in the same way and cause his face to disfigure into its real essence and force me to try and escape?

Is there only a circle and I’m stuck in a maze that leads away from him for awhile until it leads right back?

Have I been poisoned?

Has someone slipped a stupid pill in my tea every morning and a placebo in my hot chocolate at night?

One day he says he is afraid to lose me and the next day he is spitting in my face.

What is wrong with me I scream… checking my limbs for track marks…

Have I been on drugs?

In a cult, in a coma?

Is this really all a bad dream I cannot wake up from?

I don’t know. And I’m scared.

But If I am sleeping I am pinching now.

If I am drugged I am sobering up.

If I am in an experiment then I curse science and I will walk through a wall just to get away from this dumb cycle

It will never change

Just to move on to something different some new kind of torture some new kind of grief and sadness some new kind of joyous pain…

Sometimes I wonder who exactly is running this little experiment.

And I’m starting to believe it should be me.

I’m taking the reins and not the cheese.

And you will never see or hear from me again. 7

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