Lay down or jump

I feel  like I am at that part in the movie, you know the part where the protagonist has to make this big life altering decision in one split second that could either ruin them forever or heal the world and cure cancer. I feel like I am there now. This is the third time in this movie that I have had this moment. Its a “lay down” or” jump” split second-which do you do, fight or flight? What I normally do, is jump. Jumping, as crazy and escapist and avoidant as it sounds has served me to this point. I could have stayed and finished my master’s but I jumped and went to New York and some how after that I have a son. Might not have happened otherwise. When it came to the big one, living or dying, well, I chose to jump, spent some time in a psych ward for a few days and ended up getting a gig in California. I can’t say I would have been better had I chosen to lay down, I don’t know. But since Cali, I have been jumping away from a situation once a year. And somehow, some major magic keeps putting this person back in my face. Am I doing this? Am I secretly spending every waking moment thinking of how this person could be back in my life, unbeknownst to my own self and the universe is following  my quiet demand? I should have left him alone when I met him and I have tried ever since to get out from under but something keeps pulling me back. I can stay or go he says, I can lay down or jump. I have 48 hours to decide. Every book says jump every song says lay down. Every friend says jump but they all laid down. I’m not afraid of loneliness perhaps of giving up. What do I do? There is no place to look but within. Will I ever be satisfied if I lay down? Will I ever stop, if I jump? Men are everywhere, I can find another one if I blink. Three or four are already waiting in the wings. His initials are on my neck if I leave what are they supposed to mean? Just a mistake? This movie of mine is a melodramatic comedy thriller and I have not received the script pages so I don’t know what to do but wing it. Lay down, or jump?


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