My Dearest Adonis,
We will all be dead soon. This is fact. And once we are dead there is no guarantee that we will meet again in another world, no promise our souls will float across the ether toward each other, truly, no tomorrow exists. It is incredibly selfish of me, I know that but I don’t want to take that final sleep without telling you exactly how I have felt about you ever since the first day that I saw you. Please don’t belittle my words, love at first sight is a lie, this we both know, all too well. But when I met you, the very instant that I saw you, plans started forming in my mind, puzzle pieces came together, images were created out of nothing but thin air and lust and trust me, a beautiful castle was built right in the sky for the both of us before you ever told me your name. I tore myself down, I broke myself into tiny blocks trying to figure out what would be good enough for you, what could I show you? Who could I be? I have nothing to give you.
You did not want me.
I knew that.
I worship you in shadowy silence. How could you have ever known? And would you have believed? I am Romeo Montague. And like him, I will leave this world never truly knowing your love, this I accept, but if I don’t tell you who you are to me, even my remaining breaths are in vain. My purpose is not to get you to feel any particular way about what I have to say, it is just the knowing that is enough because I will never feel any differently, under any circumstances, and circumstances have proven mighty adversaries over the years, yet just the sound of your name on anyone’s lips sends an irrepressible shiver up and down my spine. This life has been two long days, the day that I was born and the day that I met you.
You haunt me.
Everything you have ever said to me I have committed to memory. Every time you have ever kissed me I have replayed a thousand times in slow motion. It is you. It has always been you. Every lover, every moonlit stroll, every giggle of complete and utter bliss has been you, since I first saw your face. There will never be anyone else. And it saddens me. I have polished your pedestal every night for 16 years, tried to sit others upon it and it would not yield. If I could, I would get down on my knee and ask you to marry me because even if you said no, you would know. Even if you said no, I told and if nothing else, relieved. I cannot afford to waste any time on hoping you will see that everything that I have done, every inexcusable slight, every thoughtless act on some level, on some plane of existence was fathered by my unending absorption of you.
You stained me.
And I live in defiance.
We will all be dead soon. This is fact. And I simply cannot wait any longer for death because in my dreams you possess me and the never ending night is my respite.
Where we can finally be together.
Like we have been all along, behind my eyes. A play within a play within a play which you never saw but in which only you star. Could I have forsaken all others? Could I have begged and pleaded? Could I have demanded what was rightfully mine? Could I have fought and schemed until you were just as hooked on me, even if it were dishonestly?
No. I couldn’t.
I just want you to be happy.
I was already your slave, you only ever had to ask me to stay. I was not and am not what you want and need, you can never truly love me but that doesn’t matter you see, because love flows outwardly.
I just want you to be happy. You cannot take my love from me even if you refuse me. How could you have ever known? And would you have believed? There are no excuses; no demands, no words or emotions no pain or angst, no truth or lies, I have found my soul mate.
I have seen him in the flesh! I have known and loved and lost him and I have cried and I have never even touched him.
He exists! I did not behave properly and relied on fate, I did not handle it wisely when I closed my eyes, please forgive me, I am just a mortal man.
What would you do if your god sat down in front of you?
What would you do if you had drawn a picture and it came to life?
How would you have behaved if the only one ever, inadvertently shooed you away?
I ache for you.
You’re my living breathing fantasy, even if you don’t want to be. I cannot change what I have done or who I have become, I cannot tell you things that you want to hear, I can only say what I know and that is this- It is you. It has always been you. Every stolen kiss, every lock of hair, every desperate attempt to pretend that it was not, has been you, since I first, saw your face.There will never be anyone else. There never was. And I secretly rue the day of my ruining. If you asked me to walk two thousand miles from my home tomorrow morning just to meet you at your doorstep, I would not hesitate to come if I thought for one second you would be there, waiting. You have the most incredible power over me that you have no idea that you own. I have however made peace with the facts in my mind now.
I will die.
I am Romeo Montague.
I will absolutely and always belong to you.
Now, you know.
Letter # 2
To my favorite addiction,
You’re my sickness.