Messenger Pigeon

I know that I am coming off like a negative nitwit lately.

I know that I always have with you.
But just be patient with me and remember that I am a Virgo.
As practical as they come. It has to make sense to me.
Doesn’t help that I am named after Thomas, the guy who needed to see it to believe it.
Having prefaced with that, again, like I always do
here is my new theory of this love you have for me.
Part of this theory is based on my recent reading of the love
chemistry article, which doesn’t validate anything but again,
makes things make sense to me.
As practical as they come. It has to make sense to me…
One of the components of passionate love is indicative of the stage
of the relationship that you are on. Typically once you have
decided to make a long term commitment to this person
this kind of love wanes and is replaced with satisfaction
versus passion.
So what does that mean if we are chasing passion?
Speaking solely for myself, I got into a relationship with a person
I found physically attractive but mentally and morally revolting
I thought that after enough time with me, this person would
change, be better, grow up. This never occurred.
I spent a lot of time there, because after being raised to not be a quitter
How could I leave?
I spent countless days and nights picking at myself
and trying to figure out how I could influence this person for the better.
He wasn’t a partner, he was a project.
As you can see, that did not work.
But I did learn that I am good enough.
Just like I am, and anyone who doesn’t like it, can, ask they say, suck it.
I also learned that other people are good enough too so
if I don’t like them, the same “sucking it” applies.
You can’t change anyone, only yourself and it is a waste of time
to pick someone with “potential”. That just means you think they will change.
That just means you don’t love them right now.
So how is all of this information related? Well, I was chasing passion
with that dude because for one, we had skipped that part of the bonding process
when I met him. It was attraction to commitment which I hated.
And for two, I chase the passion because I was going against myself,
trying hard to love him when I really just wanted to fix him. The passion
would have given me the energy to continue.
He doesn’t need to be fixed. He just needs to be with someone other than me.
You and me have been together off and on for most of our lives.
According to the article on love chemistry, passionate parts of
relationships typically last 3 years.
3 years.
Now I look back.
 Between 15-19 we didn’t live together.
 So the actual extent of our passionate part was about three years before you and I
moved on.
When we got married, we didn’t get past the passionate years
before you and I moved on.
 Perhaps this long term attachment with me
is based on the fact that you have successfully moved past the
passionate phase with other women, didn’t like the commitment part so much
 and are still seeking the passion.
The passion we never fully got passed. Not saying its right or wrong
just saying its one part of love.
The best part, in my opinion is the one you have now.
I mean who sits down and twists someone’s hair for 4 hours?
Sorry, but that is that good shit.
So you may have done what I did. Went from attraction to commitment
skipping the important passion part and you missed it.
You said yourself on those days when she is affectionate
or you actually have stimulating sex that you are happy
and it is the perfect relationship.
Have you considered the impact on this woman’s life
now that she has settled down with you and you’re there- watching all of
her kids and your kids and treating all the kids like they are your kids, if you just
up and leave?
Haven’t you learned, having experienced this multiple times
that this kind of behavior takes these women who truly believe they
love you to their breaking points?
As practical as they come. It has to make sense to me.
So I’m sitting here thinking you know most moms wouldn’t do it but
what if she wants you to take her child across the country with you?
This would not be for the child’s benefit as you can imagine
it would be for the sole purpose of torturing you and keeping tabs on you
and making sure that you are never ever truly happy or drama free.
Because she is hurt. They were all hurt. I was hurt.And what about the kid?
Will there be yet another custody battle and hearing?
Because I am married to you does that mean I have to pay for it all?
In our little play this is where I always come into the picture
You want to come home after things don’t work out with the chick you left me
for. And I am supposed to be standing here, with arms open wide waiting
because if you love someone that is what you do.
That is what I have done.
Many many times.
Not just for you but for every man I loved.
I’m not saying that I don’t love you anymore but I’m saying
what is my love for you based on?
Is it based on those short three year stints of passion that we do together?
Sure, yes, we could be married again and roses and lollipops could fall out of the sky
according to love chemistry that is exactly what will happen, for a while
but I have to be honest, it took all my guts and glory
to raise my own son
and now that he is a teenager I’m not sure if I want to start from scratch all over again
Because some other chick is pissed off.
If you know me at all- you know I never wanted any children.
I have been patiently waiting for the day that I am not bridled by them any more
and I know that you come with five in tow.
Its a lot babe.
Five plus my one. I’m not saying that any of this is impossible
I’m just saying I feel like I am the only person here being rational,
not blinded by the passionate 3 years we dip in and out of.
As practical as they come. It has to make sense to me.
I don’t have any answers, only questions. We do have a lot of fun
together -we can talk about anything- but perhaps that is because
when it was time for our relationship to become really committed and serious
one or the other of us would cut and run.
History repeats itself.
 Its impossible to make promises to me that the same
thing that has been happening, wont keep happening.
Having been in a bad cyclical relationship for 8 years, I’m
pretty certain that continuing to do things the same way as always
will yield the same results as always.
We’re already married. The paperwork is done. But now what about the hard parts?
You say you are “down” but okay, then you tell me the name of the person
that you have been in a relationship with for ten plus years? Pass the passion years?
This is scary to me.
As practical as they come. It has to make sense to me.
Neither of us is better than the other, we both have our dirty secrets and
faults, I’m not blaming you or me these are facts.
The fact is love is a chemical reaction.
The fact is relationships are work- especially when you get past the passion stage.
The fact is you have left women in your wake, women with children who all vow to
spend their last days, hurting you.
The fact is you are considering doing it again, to the one person, prudish as she is,
that you SOUGHT OUT to be with. No one is perfect but she takes care of you and
you take care of her and you have said many times that you love her.
I really feel sorry for her. I do. I feel like if she knew you were this unhappy she would either tell you to leave because she cannot be what you need or she would change.
And It feels like you are not giving her a fair shot to make that choice.
And if you love her you should. Don’t give up on it for passion.
Remember, passion in love, doesn’t last. Only about 3 years.
Yes, according to love chemistry, we have a shot, because we idealize each other
which brings up a fresh crop of the necessary chemicals to keep us
attracted to each other. I know no relationship is guaranteed forever but
look at it from my point of view.
You’re asking me to take a leap of faith again, the same leap I have taken
before when my legs got broken and my face got smashed and I lost my mind.
I feel like R. Kelly.
My mind is telling me no…but my body, my body…
Maybe my idiot bf is right about one thing. Passion is not the answer.
And I don’t even have the same fucking body.
I have never, really ever, been free.
Never. If I wasn’t being told what to do by god, or my grandma, it was by you or some other dude.
So I’m going to think positively but I can not suspend logic during the process.
I absolutely cannot take another heartbreak.
 Not one that I cause, and especially not one from you.
I cant. I wont. I’d be fucking stupid, wouldn’t you agree?
But its always been because you can hurt me for real.
 The others have left scratches, bruises maybe a cut or two.
But you have left wounds. The kind that won’t heal. That kind that change how you walk.
So I worry. I worry more about what will happen if I am with you- more than what would happen
if I got struck by lightening while my son was at school, or what I would do in a terrorist attack.
I’m too old to expect tweedy birds and white roses.
If I get into a serious relationship again, honestly, I don’t want to skip any parts.
I don’t want people outside of our relationship to have influence over it.
I think if the person is willing to go through the ride with you, and you have some
commonalities but also complement each other’s skill sets without having
more baggage than either of you can bear, it could be good.
But you just can’t plan for any of that.
As practical as they come. It has to make sense to me.
So in a nutshell- I am a co-dependent borderline narcissistic overweight bisexual female with astigmatism, fluctuating self esteem, slight psychopathic tendencies, prone to depression and obsessive compulsive behavior, who is addicted to nicotine and affection.
 In technical terms.
All bullshit aside, could you love someone like that, for
more than
three years
in a row? Really?
I’m trying to do that myself and I share a body with me
 and I’m having a hard ass time doing it.
So that’s my theory.

I know that I am coming off like a negative nitwit lately.

I know that I always have with you
1b

2 thoughts on “Messenger Pigeon

  1. Ha. OK, astrology BS, but I’m a virgo too. And I also over analyse. Kill the goose that lays the golden eggs, to find out where the eggs come from, and be left with a dead goose.

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