March 13, 2001
So these past few days have been strange. I started it and so that I remember- whatever befalls me from it- is my own fault.
Sunday in an effort to skip the basketball game, I wanted to call Trevon so bad. So I had my little sister call him for me and get his hitter number. I hit him, he calls back and I suggest we meet at a place we both could find. He suggested his old job, BW3 in Ripple. We go- he buys a round- so do I- and he tells me how I’m the one.
How I’ve always been the one he wanted but he was a kid then making errors in love and he tried that whole pimpology thang but it just didn’t apply to me.
I don’t know how I feel about the fact that we spent Sunday night together- and Monday. No sex. Just talking and reminiscing. Day dreaming we could be. At least he was.
I was trying so hard to look into his eyes and see that there was love there-
But I was hurt-
Wasn’t I?
I’ve hurt Kane so badly I nearly forgot all the shit Trevon has put me through in his quest to become Omar Epps.
He has seen parts of the world now that I’ve only dreamed of- but he hasn’t changed.
His kiss is still magic and when I pushed my pelvis into his- I felt a spark there- the only spark. I forced myself to love him once- and it’s too easy and convenient for me to suffer like that again with him. I don’t feel anything anymore, just dead wood.
I’ve fought that demon down- and I can’t decide if I’m madder about Adonis acting gay or about Kane not wanting me.
Trevon wants me. Wants me bad.
So bad, he can taste it.
He always gets his way.
I have a difficult time telling him no because he always makes me feel so needed.
But can I trust him?
he’s got two shorties now and a hoe bag ex.
The family between us is just too BIG.
But now we have kissed. And thinking about the fact that he did suck on my nipples- so perfectly that I had to make myself cum last night.
Still needs a woman to dress him.
We will never be just platonic friends were too sick and sad and perverted for that.
I think I’m ovulating.
I’m sleepy as all hell.
I wish I could go home.
Sometimes I want to be so ride or die but most times I want to be so far left of everything, dread locked and solo- with my sunshine boo- whoever he might be.
With Trevon, I dunno, 75% of the time I enjoy his company- but he talks about himself a lot and he flatters me constantly- I love it but it feels fake because it’s so much.
March 15, 2001
Butterflies in my head…
Well Trevon spent the night at my request. Why? Well, to see if it was still good- see if I could stoke a flame in my heart-
Because I could.
His brother says that if he messes up with me again he’s gonna talk about him bad. My sis is gonna rip me to shreds. I need to buy condoms.
So where is this going?
He keeps asking.
I say were gonna just chill
But then his brother says, if it comes back to you then its yours.
Warts are yours too.
Pixie, Don’t over think.
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