Some of the shit that happens to me pisses me off. Not that it happened but that I wish that I were talented enough to have invented it. Tonight was no exception.
True story, Broseph… How could I have known she was off her meds?
So first of all I didn’t even want to be in the gas station. Wait. Let me go back a little further. When I was ten years old my aunt’s husband told me I was getting big. He meant to say I was getting tall. I took it to mean that he was saying that I was getting fat. And because of that I didn’t go over her house for Sunday dinner for three months and I cried every time I saw him in church.
I am very sensitive about my weight and yes, it is something that I need to work on.
Fast forward. My boyfriend of 8 years knows it is a sensitive subject for me. So every single time we get into an argument where he knows that he is wrong and that an apology is in order, instead of being valiant he attacks my frailities.
He says oh, you fat bitch, you think you are prize? In my head, I can see his blood streaming all over the carpet and in my head I am complaining about how I would clean it all up.
So a couple of days ago, for the millionth time, I attempt to break up with him. Clearly we bring out the worst in each other and should not be together. FInally after a decade, he agrees. But because I haven’t found a new place yet, we spend every day arguing about who did what over the past couple of years. Somehow today he thought was a good day to ask me to go get him beer ( He lost his ID) and to call me fat.
I didn’t want to be an ultra bitch. I live in Vegas so I figured, if I can keep this douche at home drinking his brew, then I will go out and maybe the pansy will pass out before I get back and I won’t have to hear his mouth. So I decided to go get the beer but I was livid about his commentary.
True story, Broseph…
I get to the gas station and notice that the beer he likes is on sale. I figure I can get him 4 tall cans and one for myself to take to the casino with me and we are all set. I grab the beer and some woman comes into the aisle and completely blocks me from moving. I scoot around her and she goes, HEY,…YOU GO AROUND!
I said, Yes, I did go around, nutjob…I head to the register.
She said, no, you know what, you stink! Now this was pissing me off. I had just left the condo and two girls in the parking lot had just told me that I smelled good because they could still smell the shampoo I had used on my hair. Apparently the shampoo was not a smell looney tunes was a fan of. So I said, OK whacko, and made my way to the line at the register. Everyone saw her and heard her and was watching.
So banana muffin, a small asian woman, so skinny if I stuck a pencil in front of my eye I wouldn’t have been able to see her, walks right up to me, with my arms full of beer and goes…YOUUU!!! I hate you! You STink! You bitch! Fuck you! I’m scared now. I don’t deal well with confrontation, I’m already pissed and a bit tipsy, I’m like, are you on drugs? Get the fuck away from me. No one moves. They all just watch. Then she decides that she is going to wave her tiny french fry finger in my face nearly knocking off my glasses. Fuck you, you crazy bitch, she says. Fuck you!
This terrifies me. So I yell, GET OUT OF MY MOTHERFUCKING FACE BITCH WHO ARE YOU, PSYCHO?
So then she reaches into her purse.
I have no idea what she is reaching for and I have five tall cans in my hands. So I kicked her in the knee as hard as I could.
Did you just kick me? She says, Oh you kicked me, huh crazy? Call the police! She just assaulted me! I want the police!!
I’m like am I going to jail right now for assaulting an Ooompa Loompa Asian woman? But my mouth didn’t stop.
I said, Go over there and wait for the cops like the cashier told you too, you fucking psycho and get out of my face. Yes, I kicked you and I will kick you again if you keep threatening me! She is mean mugging me hard now while the cashier tries to convince her to sit down over by the slot machines.
You’re going to jail you fat nasty bitch she screams.
True story, Broseph… I would have lost it and threw down the beer if a dude in line in front of me hadn’t said, she does this all the time. I don’t know her, but I know she has Tourette’s and lately she has been off her medicine. Another customer adds, Yeah I see her all the time This is the sixth new car I have seen her in with a dent in the door in the past six months. Another customer is in her face now going, hey lady, you threatened her. You had your hands all in her face, what did you think she was going to do?
In my head I was saying HULK SMASH. Bitch I am Momma Bear. I will kill everyone in here. Do not get into my fucking face. I might not have been mad at her. I might have been mad at my ex. I might have been mad at anyone else who had called me fat over the years to try to hurt me. I should have dropped the beers. I am glad that I didn’t.
She was escorted out and the police were not called. I was shaking so terribly that a customer behind me commented on it. I said, yeah, I’m really fucking mad right now.
When I came outside, the clerk, said Have a nice weekend. Psycho lady was in her car, blocking me in. She said, I see your license plate bitch. Mind you, she shook her fist at a woman who was walking in when she was walking out. The woman said, what the hell is going on here? No one knew.
Pretty much sucked.
A few hours later, I’m at the casino trying to unwind. Some woman walks up to me and goes, why does every one think that I am drunk?
I’m not drunk I am mentally retarded.
True story, Broseph… I told her, fuck em, Kick em in the knee caps.
So she asked me to save the seat at her favorite slot machine while she went to go pee.
All I can think of now….I need to be on a diet.