Struggling Part 2

I feel awkward.

I feel awkward because something has changed.

You see before, all I ever thought about was how I looked.

Now mind you my obsession with exterior perfection has not dissipated into nothingness I still carry it around with me but its more like a coin purse in heaviness on my mind and not the dump truck full of cement bricks that it used to be.

And no, it’s not because all of a sudden I just drink veggies and run 22 miles a day

Its not even because I sleep better, which I actually do

I’m still not flawless like people tell themselves that they are

But I say my mantra when I get stressed: I look good, I feel good, and everything works out for me.

I feel awkward because I am new at feeling good.

Its unusual to me to feel loved and not feel that I have to be an invisible Barbie to get it.

I can just be my amazing self and I won’t deny that I am amazing.

I look good, I feel good and everything works out for me.

Something has changed and it took me a little while to notice it

I know what has been bugging me now and it’s contentment it’s new like leather shoes

And he is great. See I dropped 200 pounds when I kicked the loser who used to call me names to the curb with the trash where he belongs.

But he actually tells me what I thought was true and that is that I am beautiful.

And he doesn’t want anything from me to tell me things that I should have been telling myself instead of standing on a scale and judging my worth on a pounds to kilo calculator.

Now the mantra I have been telling myself seems like a reality instead of a figment

I look good, I feel good and everything works out for me and let me just say that its awkward

Its awkward when you get what you have been asking for. Certainly I can be healthier and I think I have time to get there now, not because I feel like no one will love me if I don’t but more because I get to enjoy this part, the satisfaction of love part longer, the longer I am around on the planet to receive it.

I have a strong feeling that much like the fear of leaving a situation that held me back, this awkwardness about smiling all of the time

will eventually subside and become my new existence.

I might still be struggling with a lot of things but at least now they aren’t trivialities like the size pants my jeans scream to passersby.

I’m worth every single bit of love that I am receiving and as awkward as it is to accept it,

I will.

I can.

And even if he goes away and it’s just me against the world again I have tasted the honey now; I know how to be the best me, for my age, for my height, for my weight by just being me.

I look good, I feel good and everything works out for me.



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