I dunno

I feel a little bit stronger today…

I think that it is coming with age.

I have a serious case of mentally flipping the bird to anyone, or everyone followed by an I don’t give a *uck shrug.

This is not a bad thing, like it might be for most people. For me it is a very good thing.

When your whole sense of self- worth is wrapped up in winning the approval of others every slight is like a blade through your chest.

I’ll always be an attention whore, but I’m channeling it into the characters that I write about. Peanut butter and Jelly.

The coolest part is whether it ever turns out to be anything more than me sharing with other poets and friends is irrelevant- the point is that I am doing what I want to do and if you don’t like it… bird flip… shrug.

I don’t feel stronger today because of any of that though- not directly- I feel stronger because for 20 years I have carried around on my chest all of the I love yous that I have ever doled out. I meant it when I said it and even if those people are out of my life, I still have a torch, a little flame and an open door.

This is in direct conflict with the *uck off that I enjoy in my work and in my art. And having that friction inside myself is painful.

Every once and a while I try to shake an I love you off, but I never let it drift far, it is still chained to my leg.

I dunno what it is, fear of being alone or not being loved or some childhood scar or blah blah blah, who cares.

It just dawned on me this morning that there are some characters in my life that I am dragging along with me and it’s heavy; as they fall off it’s nearly like miracle weight loss.

I feel thinner, healthier, more free… stronger.

My ex-husband has been a confidant for a few years. When I look at all of the horrible things that we went through, scratch that, that I went through because of hanging onto him it’s ridiculous that I still call him a friend and nearly self-abuse. Gotta let him go live his life. We’re not friends. He is my ex-husband.

And my son’s dad. I would be a lying bastard and burn in hell if I tried to tell myself that I didn’t mean those I love yous more than all of the other ones. But he has no intention of being in either of our lives and I have to accept that- he gave me the best that he could, DNA and asking for anything more than that is simply selfish greed. I gotta let him go- mentally- We’re not friends. He is my son’s father.

The worst was the one I don’t want to let go of. 220 extra pounds of you aren’t good enough for me Tomika. I dunno, we kind of were friends, and then the affair, and then not being friends, and now, friends again, sort of.  If I am sad or in a horrible relationship, he and I are besties but if I feel happy and am seeing someone I truly dig, he likes to passively aggressively hint at my importance in his life etc.

I have lived on his shelf since 2002.

He’s not my friend. He’s an ex coworker that  I used to smash.

And yeah, I could beat myself up that I didn’t see all of this stuff sooner but the devil that you know is comfortable. If I am going to ever be the best version of myself, I have to build that *uck it up in my system, act like my balls are on the outside and let it, and them and any manner of bulls_it go. I can’t be everybody’s plan B forever.

It will feel like pulling off a band aid the wrong way for a split second of my life time but I will continue to be stronger for it.



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