I have only met you once in passing but I would like to say my impression of you is that you are an aesthetically pleasing, loquacious, quick witted young woman with a carefully crafted manipulative streak that should serve you well if properly applied.
Unbeknownst to you men are much bigger gossipers than women are and because of this I have heard that you are looking forward to getting married very soon to your current beau as you have been promised a ring and a new last name for a while now.
I don’t know how much time I have left to try and help you out before a final decision is made that will affect the rest of your life but something way deep down inside of me figured that a second opinion is normally useful when it comes to major life events.
I hope that I don’t offend you but….
If you can wrap your mind around this, try.
Do not keep begging to marry this man.
Before you get upset let me tell you why:
If you have been in negotiations for several years about making this ultimate commitment and it seems as if you are the only one of the two of you making plans and you are the sole participant that is really gung ho about the union, this is an awful way to begin a jail sentence- nobody likes being bunked forever with a roommate who would rather be in hell then chained next to you. It doesn’t take a long time to realize that you hit the lottery.
This is not to say that he is a bad person or that you are a bad person. This is to say that you have choices and marrying your boyfriend is not a requirement for a long life filled with love and happiness.
I know that your grandma, and Betty Crocker, and the propaganda sold to us by jewelry stores and wedding chapels and religions all tell you that you are not a whole, complete woman unless you are tethered to some man, ironing his clothes and bearing his children. I’d like to think that in 2015 you are well aware that this is a Hallmark Harlequin Hollywood fantasy and no where near the reality of a fulfilling existence.
The reality is a marriage is a contractual business agreement, where two people make it known before the courts that they are willing to share financial obligations and government tax breaks that come with living together. The perfect dress and bridesmaids and church etc are all a part of the story they sold us. Love is not a commercial. The napkins don’t matter in the end. There is absolutely nothing unnatural about not pursuing a life of indentured servitude for the purposes of long term security. You have the ability to get a higher education, the ability to work and live where you choose and these things no longer require the approval of a husband in order for you to do them. So why do you want this when he clearly does not?
Also if you are already having sex with your boyfriend you cannot lean on religion as the basis for the union because you have already broken the tenets prerequisite to it being righteous in the eyes of (INSERT DEITY).
Why on earth would you think that begging him to do this is a good idea, my new friend?
If you want to have his children and you want his children to also have his last name, then marriage may be the business opportunity that you are looking for ( still this is not a requirement for raising happy, well adjusted offspring.) Having a family is a business a proposition and if that is the only reason that you are doing it, you will be unhappy and ready to divorce as soon as the children are old enough to take care of themselves because that is not enough of a reason anymore to play house forever. This is not me, just statistics.
Is it because you love him that you want him to agree to this so desperately and you cannot imagine your life without him and that is why you want to be his lawfully wedded wife? If that is the sole reason that you want to be his legal life partner, then just be his life partner. Its never okay to put pressure on a loved one to do something that we want when we clearly know that they don’t want it, especially something like this. Not only is the institution for the most part outdated but its not the best way to show someone that you love them. Love flows outward, its about giving, not receiving. If you give each other your affection, your time, share goals and finances already, sleep together, eat together, travel together, why does there need to be paperwork on the books downtown unless:
1) You want other people who are in horrible marriages or divorced to be proud of you for trapping a reluctant man…. or…
2) You have such low self esteem and only feel valuable if you are codependent on a sexual partner for validation, worthiness and approval
Those sound like icky reasons, right?
For all intents and purposes, being forced into marriage by a chick you tolerate is the same as rough ass play with a dude you don’t care about. It hurts and it will scar.
The questions that you should be asking yourself are:
Who am I?
What am I about?
What do I enjoy doing for work and with my free time?
What have I sacrificed that I love to do, have or be in order to nurture a relationship with a person who does not have the same long term goals that I have?
Will I really resent not marrying this man before I die?
Why do I hate my freedom?
I’m sure your boyfriend is attractive and brilliant and attentive. I am sure he showers you with trinkets and affection and money. I’m sure that your libido is in congress with his and you like and share the same passions. These are definitely reasons to love a person but not reasons to force them to sign their name to a contract that no more denotes true love than a greeting card from the local gas station.
American men are very simple creatures, they are not complicated in the slightest. Whatever they do for you and to you is the truth. They sometimes muddle up words but their actions are louder than anything that they could ever say. If he takes out the trash, fixes your car, calls you daily, eats you out regularly, tells everyone that he is with you, remains faithful, helps you with financial obligations, treats you, shares his dreams with you then more than likely he loves you. If you don’t even get that what makes you think that you will when he says, I do? Statistics show it will decline overtime anyway so why start it off with nil? If you have been trying to poke and prod a man into buying a wedding ring for you and after the first mention of it you did not get one from him understand a few things:
He is considering it but he doesn’t think he wants it forever. There have been some problems in other marriages that he has seen and he does not think that the love that you two share could withstand the changes and challenges that marriage brings. You also may not be the type of woman that he would consider marrying for whatever reason and to avoid having to hear you complain or cry or whine about it, he will keep stringing you along as to not hurt your feelings. Men do exactly what they want to do, when they want to do it. If a man wants to marry you it will be his idea and he will see it through to the end. I know that may sound sexist but for the most part it is accurate. A long time ago when we were just hunter gatherers it was in their DNA to hunt- prey mostly. If you want to be a man’s prey then you must let him hunt, unfortunately. And if you mention putting him in prison and he says meh, we will see, understand that to mean no. And then make decisions about what you want to do with your life from that accordingly. Of course there are a few out there who will marry someone for the same reasons that a lot of women are wanting to do it, for comfort. For companionship. Out of ageism. But the divorce rates are high due to these reasons.
If you need a companion to feel good about yourself, then a dog works well.
If you need a comforter, a nice blanket and a cup full of whiskey works wonders.
If you feel like you are getting too old to be alone then start researching high class nursing home communities and start saving up.
The last thing that you want is for a man to give in because no one better has come along for him, or because he feels obligated after all of the time that you have been together. That is the antithesis of love and not a credible reason to build a business on. You want a partner who wants the same things that you want, whether that is a trip to Cancun in your twilight years, a replica you make together via amazing sexual intercourse, or to join you in the archaic tradition of human bonding and connection as facilitated by a government institution. If you already have discord, and don’t see eye to eye, platinum matching wedding bands from a fancy chain store won’t rectify it.
If you seriously are still not convinced that this is a mistake and that you can have a fully functional, powerful, loving life being a talented, single, happy individual woman than the brainwashing has gone so deep that it has melted your core. And I am sorry to hear it.
So now ask yourself about realities:
If this man became incontinent tomorrow and needed full time around the clock care, bathing, help moving about to avoid bed sores, feeding etc, would you still want him to marry you? Be honest.
If you found out that he had muscular dystrophy, AIDS, herpes, or some other debilitating or incurable disease tomorrow morning would you still want to marry him?
If you found out that he had fathered three kids in college that he didn’t know about and owed $100,000 in back child support would you want to marry him?
If he had been accused but not convicted of a violent crime against a woman or a child or murder, would he still be the love of your life?
What if his dick fell off, or he got hit by a bus and was disfigured, would you still want him to marry you?
If under any of those circumstances the answer is no, then isn’t it okay to just enjoy the casual relationship that you have with him now? Isn’t it okay to just love him, without having to possess him, like a house deed or a car title?
I can’t give you any answers only questions. I can tell you from experience, after marrying a man that I felt sorry for because he asked me so many times, any reason that does not end in a mutual benefit for both of you will end in a disaster, divorce or worse.
Love is not an obligation. Love is not forced. Love does not have an expiration date and love does not require the approval of a judge, a priest or an audience.
If years have gone by and he won’t marry you, he may be doing the both of you a tremendous favor.
So enjoy him. Enjoy life. Do the things that you love, go the places that make you happy, be an incredible version of you, because in the end, all you have truly, is yourself.
And if you are really brave and love yourself enough, find another man. There really are plenty.
Let me know if you want to talk anytime,