Fistful of sand

I do not have to be alone.
But I must.
Options are never ending; I could circle back without warning and recycle
I could request formal introductions from friends or troll websites full of psych surveys
I could post up at the end of the bar, waiting, to catch prey on the fly
I could love who I am with-
Since I do not have to be alone.
But I must.
Because most only want a stable point of reference, a shirt mender, a cheerleader
Many only want a shiny bauble, who listens and quiets their demons
or in the very least has the kind of gag reflex that suits their egos
I am the same demanding monster
I am the same impending doom and once revealed, the power dance begins
and I will cheat to win
So I must love you via text message and photograph only
I must love you in caricature and shadow, over time, very slowly
I must love you in the slightly unnerving repetitive singing of birds out my window at dawn
Since I cannot commit to yesterday or tomorrow
Since I cannot submit to one predilection over the others
Since I have mastered the second guess and change my mind with each new aroma
I am not permanent and my promises are non existent-
You say that I do not have to be alone, unaware that if I stay
you will be just another memory after a blink or two
I have no idea what you want, the bauble, the mender, the stable point
But the chase will leave you breathless and the capture will destroy us
Your options are endless so look on, my friend, look on
I do not have to be alone, true,
But I must to save me from you
And vice versa, too.



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