The plush self actualization life raft

I have written you 4000 times.
1)      Italy was everything. Mentally, I am still there.
2)      I am at the part now that Alana and Marko are split. I am devastated.
3)      Whenever I am introduced to a new world, I always try to figure out which character is most similar to me. I’m pretty confident that if I were in Grease, I would be Betty Rizzo. The Breakfast club? Most certainly Allyson Reynolds. X-Men? Rogue. So for Saga, I’m pretty sure that I’m Sophie.
4)      I’m not supposed to talk to you, just like I am not supposed to talk about Fight Club. (Oh, I am definitely Marla Singer.) The inner sanctum is now convinced, partially based on my amazing story telling, that you are evil, incarnate. Them believing that has made things easier for me. Well it did at the beginning. But now, it’s a useless farce and I’ve run out of fucks. My best friend is an opportunist. I can talk to him about anything except this current problem that I am having. Because he is who he is, he can’t help. He does not see the value in any long term relationships that he does not substantially benefit from regardless if it is mutual. I love the guy but he can’t help me now, it is out of his depth. My other homie is also useless. He is a womanizer. A brilliant, well dressed womanizer but for him monogamy is akin to a skin disease and for a really long time, I agreed. Sometimes I might enable him even.  You on the other hand are a hopeless serial monogamist with a beautiful feminine perspective. I miss that dreadfully.
5)       What I want you to say to the question that I plan on posing is, sweetie, it’s pretty obvious that you love this guy and you should totally go all in and marry him. Oh and, I forgive you for being a creepy weirdo.
6)      You know how when you lie about something to yourself for so long you eventually believe it? That’s what happened.
7)      Probably a good idea if I tell you why I am not supposed to talk to you. Psychopathy? Well….. I was a bad friend. I used you often to explain to potential suitors why I could never commit to them. It was a much easier story to tell than, dude, I just don’t like you. They felt sorry for me. I told the story so often to beat the lie detector, I believed it.  Pitiful. Somewhere in there I fell for my own fiction. The inner sanctum believed it.  My new him too. I know that you know that I know that  none of it is true. We were nowhere near there in real life, ever.
8)      When I didn’t get my way, I kind of did any way, in another way. Because I just told people whatever they needed to hear to lower their relationship expectations of me. In a way, I am sorry, because  I’m sure we could have been better friends had my nefarious plan not been so amazingly useful in delicate situations. In another way, I’m not because had I not been so devious, would I still have made it here? I became a heinous friend (which is unacceptable) and unable to separate the story from reality. I needed some time to sort it all out. 
9)      I don’t know how to do “love”. I have no one to talk to about it because I don’t know anyone other than you, honestly, who genuinely tries to attempt the shit. I am always impressed by how much you commit and I have been jealous of that for a long time. I have done the exact same thing but in reverse. I have renounced the chemical addiction required to create and maintain these bonds with others. The only way people would allow this farce to continue was because they believed that I did love deep down. They believed that I loved someone who would never love me back so I had abandoned all hope. They accepted this as Canon and I just ran with it. Selfishly. I’m here now, and terrified. I have never been so scared. I have no idea what to do and is this something that I cannot control; I really just don’t want anyone else to get hurt. I have no one to get sound advice from when I don’t talk to you- you make me think of things I hadn’t considered and I really appreciated that about our friendship. I miss it dreadfully and need it immensely.
10)   I have already told you what I want you to say but if you said it I would be even more scared. I’m not sure if I can do it, ANY OF IT and I have no reason for this.
May day.
After this morning’s exchange my head is going, is this dude for real? Is any of this real? I mean, I honestly did not think that squirting was a real thing until I met this cat. I’ve put him through the ringer so far, already and the fact that he is still coming back for more means he is completely and utterly deranged and insane or I’m in a coma and fantasizing this.
Please be my friend when it suits my needs like right now and don’t hound me about being a raving lunatic bitch because I have been such a terrible friend as recent as just a few months ago.
I am stuck.
03 (2)

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