You say that I make excuses
You simply don’t get why

You don’t see what makes me jump in my sleep

For some reason there is a cashier in my childhood living room…
A man is in front of the cashier, ordering pizza.
Even in sleep I find this weird until I realize the man looks a lot like you
he is wearing your work clothes; and I had a slice of your pizza
before I went to lay down.
The man in the dream places his order and gets his food
while my mom and sister and I, in our jammies, watch in silence.
Of course the food is messed up, of course the order wasn’t right
and just like all of the rest of them he starts to scream at us.
He screams how useless we all are and how fat my mom is
and she just sits there in tears ashing her cigarette on the floor, like before.
My sister and I are waiting for the magic words that always come after
these exchanges, the ones that make us perk up and pay attention.
And like clockwork the man says to my mom, I’m going to kill you.
I look over at my sister and see that she and I are not kids in this dream
We are in our current bodies and we are big enough to fight back.
I don’t know where I got the knives from, but suddenly I have three knives
And I throw one to my sister; so that we are both armed because we’re big enough now
and nobody is going to hurt her anymore, I can’t sleep with slapping and screaming-
I hear myself telling him if you touch her I will cut you and it looks like his eyes are aflame
It doesn’t matter any more that he looks like you because in my dream you all are the same
I turn to my mom, still sitting on the sofa, like she did in real life, not defending herself
or moving out of his way or even acknowledging we were standing there for her
throwing ourselves into harms way. She didn’t care back then and it seemed, she didn’t care now.
I dropped the knife in my dream. I dropped the knife and woke up to you kissing me on my cheek
and me murmuring have a good day.
Sure I could probably take some sort of drug for this but what would that do except make me so numb that I become dumb and don’t wake up until what was happening to her my whole life, starts happening to me?


So no one gets close and I don’t have many friends
I haven’t had a good night’s sleep since 1986
And baby, I’m fully grown but I’m still barely surviving this shit
And I can’t go to my childhood home because it doesn’t exist….


You don’t see what makes me jump in my sleep
You think me being scared all of the time is a joke
I know that you do, they all do, I know
You simply don’t get why I can’t go for broke
Why I question everything any man will say and do
Why I drink until I can no longer see-
I try to explain but there isn’t a way
that won’t make you feel sorry for me
But I always say you can always leave
I’m stuck with these memories but you can still be free
My misery doesn’t need company
That way one day you won’t turn on me



2 thoughts on “Rattled…still

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