FlipSide

My favorite thing about her is every time that she tells me no.
She struggles with it you know, and I can tell. I study her intensely. When she is about to say no to something that I have suggested or that I want to do she always moves her entire body away from me. She won’t let me touch her beforehand. She stays just out of my reach, stoic; statuesque; appalled at the suggestion; wrestling with her anger.
She stares off into space or at her shoes; barely moving; her chest doesn’t lift and fall with breath. Its almost like telling me no is about to kill her. She is the most beautiful to me, truly, when she is calmly dying a little.
This is how I know that she belongs to me. This is how I know that I own her. Every no spoken aloud is against her will. She lives to please me, whether she likes it or not and I will gladly continue to defy her wishes, if only to sense the heightened pain fluttering behind her hardest decisions.
“ Let me spend the night.” I say.
She stands, pretending to stretch in order to move my hand from her warm thigh. She walks around the room, moving towels or pushing in chairs while she thinks of her answer, or how to phrase it, so that my feelings aren’t hurt. She looks at her kitchen calendar for the answer but each day is blank.
“ No,” She whispers.
I follow her into the kitchen and stand so close behind her that I can feel her tee-shirt without making contact.
“Why not?” It’s a useless question, I know, her mind is made up. She tells me some lie for the reason that I cannot stay with her until dawn; it’s not plausible and convoluted. She never glances in my direction.

I can smell her sweating. And for now it is enough.

* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *
I would like to love him, it would be so much easier than not loving him because he never goes away. Even when the sun shines on your face, if you bothered to look behind your shadow would grow. He is just like a shadow, no matter what he follows. He is the dog at the door waiting for me, for hours on end until I return, with no sense of time, just happier than shit to snuggle next to me and be hugged, regardless of how long he has been ignored. If I could, if that was enough, I would love him forever for no other reason than he makes it abundantly clear that he worships me. But I don’t have the capacity to do so and he doesn’t care. It’s like a game to him, he just keeps rolling the dice even though every play sets him backward on the board- and he only gets further away from the goal, never closer.
There is just something that I cannot pinpoint, a reason that I cannot define why he and I are star crossed if anything but no where near destined. My heart does not flutter my eyes do not widen, every emotion that I display is out of the same kindness Mother Teresa must have had. It’s not love it charity. He is nice enough, and kind, loyal to a fault and dedicated but he is clearly a fool, on a fool’s errand- in love with love that he has attributed to me for no other reasons but power of will and proximity.
I give him just enough so that we have a good time together. He is nothing if not an entertaining companion on nights when I need comfort. I got drunk and he was the safest person to call and obviously never too busy to come see me.
And like every Labrador he is in my presence, slobbering, panting, aching for the next pet on the head and to hear the words, good boy.
Words he knows somewhere deep down will never echo from my lips.

Let me spend the night”, He asks for the fifteen time this evening, rubbing his hands up and down his jeans so hard his hand sweat is soaking into the denim.
He knows I don’t want him to stay, that I never want him to stay. Even after sex, he is welcome to go but the only reason I don’t offer him money to leave is because I am sure that he would cry for days about it.
I go to the kitchen to get another beer so I can figure out yet another way to reject him kindly but unfortunately I’m out. It’s 3 AM and no where would be open to have him rush out for another.
“Why not?” he whines like a puppy struck on the nose by a rolled up newspaper. He doesn’t even consider how annoying this is for me. I feel terribly bad for anyone who wants something so desperately that they don’t realize how needy they are and how unattractive that is.
“I’ve got to be up in two hours for work, so we wouldn’t get much rest. Probably be best for you to get home any way and get some sleep before your shift.”

For some reason, he is smiling.

* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *

It’s pretty clear that she can’t resist me. I drive home and before I reach my door, my phone lights up from a text. Of course, she apologizes for not sharing her bed with her King and one true love. Thoughts of me must burn deeply into her soul. She wants to see me tomorrow. The cat and mouse game that we continue to play with each other excites me and I think of nothing else but being inside her as I drift off to sleep.

* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *
Just another log added to the poor guy’s flames. I flopped onto my bed and of course since he was the last text, I sent sz;dlkhfnz;csjdhf accidentally to his phone. I apologized and within seconds he was asking if I wanted to drink tomorrow. I probably drunkenly said yes because why not? Free booze, a willing admirer is better company than wearing a skin tight dress to a bar to pick up someone’s husband. I know that the more time that we spend together the more addicted he will become. I’m confident that if it gets too mushy, I can drop him off at the nearest pound. He will be starry eyed for someone new before his tears of losing me have dried. That’s the way it always is with those love sick ones.

* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *

Tonight is going to be the night. Tonight my beloved will be unable to resist me. I brought flowers for her and wine and music. She loves music just like I do. The universal beauty of music is what connects us when we can’t find the words. I’m so glad that I finally found someone who gets me and wants me and hates to disappoint me. Someone worthy of my love, someone beautiful and smart and talented. She can stand on her own and that is just part of the reason that I love her. But the fact that she needs me and refuses to admit it to herself makes me love her even more. She is like a wild stallion, waiting to be broken by the right master, the right leader, the right teacher. No one will ever be able to love her like I can. She needs me and she already sees it and fights it every day. I will break her walls down. And taking my time to do it has been exhilarating. Tonight she is going to admit it. It’s written in the stars.

She answered the door in the most beautiful of scarlet dresses. Diamonds in her ears and the only makeup, a bright red lip. She uses it to leave a kiss on my cheek. She is so excited for the presents that I brought her that I can see a little bit of shame in her smile for having nothing to offer me but her entire soul.

For hours we listen to music and dance around her apartment, laughing at the most inane; joking about jealous fools who wish that they had what we have. My whole body is throbbing for her touch and I reach out to kiss her neck. She pulls away, bashfully on cue, giggling like a school girl, pretending that I am not everything that she needs and wants. I know that she knows how much this turns me on so I grab her close to me, hard, pull her in tightly like a king does all of his possessions and she stops fighting. Her lips taste like the most delicious of sacrifices, a battle well won is on the horizon.

* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *

I was so tired after my date and exhausted by how stupid he was. He thinks eating animals is actually good for you so I knew that the date was over. It was such a smart idea to have my love sick one as a back up on the way to my flat. It would be nice to have someone kissing my ass for a few hours and telling me how perfect I am since no one else in this god forsaken hick town seems to get it. Fortunately he doesn’t care what I look like, he is so into me I can have him come over in my pajamas. I slip on a ratty nightgown and my hair scarf so we can play Uno and drink whatever he could afford to buy. At least the night won’t be a total loss I think to myself.
I try not to yawn when I answer the door but I can’t help but to be tired. Two dates in one night is a lot for anybody.
He brought a box DVD set of some corny ass movie series from the 80’s that we will never watch and the cheapest wine he could find at the gas station. I’m not sure whose tombstone he took the flowers from but effort is still effort, I guess.

I say thanks and flop down on the couch with my favorite cover and pack of smokes. I forgot to take off my earrings from earlier and throw them on the table.

Have you been home all night?” He asks pouring us both a drink.

Oh you, stop it. You’re here now, isn’t that all that matters? Grab the cards, let’s listen to Led Zeppelin and play a few rounds. Winner takes all!”
We play cards and after a few hands he decides to sit next to me in order to share my cover. I don’t mind, I’m drunk enough now that if he wants more tonight he might be able to have it.

Can I kiss you?” He asks. He looks like ever horny 13 year old male in the world right now asking some girl to kiss him for the first time.
“Sure,”I say leaning in. He laps my face up with his tongue, uncontrollably and the image of the needy dog comes back into my head. His slobber is all over my eyelids all over my cheeks. He obviously can’t drink and kiss. I feel disgustingly wet and try to pull back but he grabs my neck and pulls me in closer. It hurts. This is stupid. I don’t really like this guy and there is no need to keep playing with his emotions. I want to slap him but instead I just tell him after he finishes drowning my face in saliva that I’m tired and he needs to go.

* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *
The game is a foot as they say. The lights are off and she is in the bedroom waiting for me. I can see her figure, naked, lying on the bed, calling to me. She wants me to come in and take her. She wants me to stop making her say no and just have what’s mine. She is my Queen and since I choose her I must oblige her whims and she mine.

* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *

What the fuck are you doing?!” I scream. He startled me out of my sleep when I caught that stupid fool climbing through my bedroom window. I had never been so terrified in my life that I am sure my scream woke up my neighbors.

I sat up in the bed and realized my cover had fallen to the floor.

What the hell are you doing, you maniac, I told you to go home! Are you crazy?!”
“Don’t you love me? I thought you loved me.” He kept saying, rocking back and forth near the window.

No you dumb ass bastard, you can’t climb into people’s bedrooms, you’re drunk! Get the fuck out of here before I call the goddamned cops you psychopathic loser!” He wasn’t leaving. He started sobbing into his hands.
“Please” He said.

Please love me.” He climbed into the bed with me, crying and I tried to fight him off – I even kicked at him but before I knew it, his hands were around my throat.

* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *

Her eyes were wet with happiness and to keep her calm I put my cold hand over her mouth. She was shaking with tender excitement. She grabbed onto my coat, pulling my body close to her, clawing it off in anticipation, scratching the skin of my back like the tiger I always knew that she was. Tonight would be the night that not only I devour her but the night that I would tell her that we would be married soon and live together forever. Soon we were both naked and clutching each other tightly in the most passionate of embraces. Her screams of ecstasy sounded like the most beautiful angelic harps playing. She was ready to be mine now, this was proof. She could no longer say no. She lie there, lifeless from the throes of passion, eyes closed no more breath in her chest …a quiet calm sweetness on her face. Tomorrow, yes, tomorrow I will whisk her away. But tonight, our love is proved and for now it is enough.

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2 Comments Add yours

  1. jadeforbes says:

    This was so wonderfully written, really painfully beautiful

    1. You’re very kind. Thank you.

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