Is this what it is, is this what it feels like?
Your last two dollars on the roulette wheel, last drag off the final cigarette in the pack, no idea what is supposed to come next, hoping against hope for the best although you have only made wrong turns in the past, barked up the wrong trees, pined for the unavailable, destroyed the uninitiated and here you are fingers crossed, praying to a god that you don’t believe in that this time, is your time, this time it will work, this time the light switch will bring light into the room finally and you will have succeeded although you don’t deserve it, no one deserves it and the weight of the entire thing is the ocean-
the entire seven seas swallowing your little ass whole
no questions asked
So is this what it is, is this what it feels like?
A roller coaster ride up the side of a mountain, no handrails, no brakes no backing out when the car rolls to the very top and you know as soon as it pasts the peak there is nothing on the other side of the track but death, surely and you want it, and you need it, the rush of coming down is so strong and so painful and makes you feel for those few seconds that you actually lived and nothing matters when you think its the end of everything and you are suddenly weightless all of your own bullshit crawling back up to your esophagus and it all wants to come out in the shrillest of screams
the invisible wind slapping your stupid ass down like a ton of bricks and you don’t know what’s happening
You don’t know what to believe in, you don’t even know what you are
maybe you are just a loser like everybody else is and you won’t accept it
maybe there isn’t anything better than this very second because nobody can prove it
is this what it is, is this what it feels like when you are pushing and pulling and no one is winning and you’re not sure if you ever could but you might lose it all?
Or am I the only one who doesn’t know how to be in love?