Savage Lamentations

The right thing
The upstanding thing
The proper thing would be to leave you
and all of those predictable lovers
alone in the past to history’s pages
I can’t want you anymore even though I want nothing else-
I should do the decent thing
But I am weak…
I want what the normals have, a person. Their person.
Someone that I can trust completely and indefinitely.
And I’m not really sure that they even have that, but from outside that’s how it appears.
My pride has protected me for so long and its on the line now
since you challenged me to dominate you
I should do the righteous thing
And I tried to.
I did.
Not talking to you was the worst hours of my life
And I have kissed death on the lips before
You are everything and not having you at all just means that the rest of the show is pointless-
I’m so mean and independent and rude and selfish
Its all fluff theatre-
I’ll never have what the normals have because it requires a stunted imagination
It means nothing at all in the end dangling like we are on the edge of Dionysus bed
I should do the adult thing
The correct thing
But if I do it will eat me into the grave to never see you
never choke you
never kiss you again and I tried. I did, I swear.
Somehow I know that this is a test and that the answer is that heaven and hell are the same place, your arms.
The predictables come to me for feeling and correction
Why are you here?
The good thing is what I should do
The basic run of the mill fanboys smell evil on me
and want to taste some of it.
What do you want?
Living in reality is where I should be
So I use them, teach them, hurt them, just like they need me to.
And when I am done humiliating them back from oblivion I disappear
How did you even find me here?
There is no such place as respite for me and yet you make me cry and
I am so weak
They follow, beg, plead- And I feel sorry for them. Pity fucks are always free
I only find love where it is not supposed to be-
Reality is just a story another writer didn’t get credit for.
I only find unrequited love always unrealistic, love with someone else’s person and never anyone of my own
But then you fell out of the sky- Beautiful. Obnoxious. Punishable. Young. Delicious, Lovable. Sick.
You are walking talking torture to me.
I don’t understand you, can’t comprehend you because you are love where it is not supposed to be
The proper thing would be to leave you and them and all of this
Yet I have become the beggar, the pleading needy starving monster
I’m vulnerable with your disease.
Are you even real? Have I not imagined you? Am I not in a hospital bed, being pumped full of mind altering drugs in a stupor?
You’re a favorite fever dream that I can’t wake up from.
You should let me be, let me pretend to heal, let me be free to die of misery
And maybe if I time it right you will hate me
Maybe I will never see you again but that will destroy what’s left of me
I can’t grow the nerve endings to care although I know I should, I do…
I simply don’t need anything other than you
Reckless is my size.
I’ll back off but only if you tell me to and mean it.
It’s probably the smart thing to do to simply end this
And you’ll have to be the one because I am too weak and prideful to quit
You’re worse than them, I have no pity, there is no leaving,
you’re flesh eating; an aberration of my internal bleeding
If I knew how to love at all I would try to love you completely
Goodbye is the only thing left to do if we both want to stay alive.
I know I should do whats right but your perfect head on my pillow
Tricks me into believing you’re my person in disguise
Every single time………..

7-31-2016 10-51-50 AM

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