Ruminated Rubbish

I never thought that I would miss your lying ass but I do a little bit.
I miss going places with you and acting a complete ass and getting totally trashed and somehow knowing that I would make it home safely because of you. I miss the fact that you don’t mind being a freak in public as long as it is us, together. I miss the way you look at me like you can’t take your eyes off me.

But I guess I miss you just for the sounding board more than anything.

I hate you because I shouldn’t know you. You knew good and well I was trying to be done raising a family right out of the gate and now three years later I am nearly done, literally. When the manchild turns 18, he can go to school, we can be roommates or whatever, but technically the raising part is done. He will have to be a contributor; be his own man and I cannot help him with that part. But I am also not trapped anywhere because I have someone at home to raise. 17 years is a long time, a long fucking time and I have senioritis. I’m ready to get to live for myself completely. I’m disgusted that you don’t take that role with your own children very seriously at all, for whatever reason, and having had to raise my son without his father, and being someone who was raised without her father, you should clearly know that over time that is not going to work for me at all. Mentally I cannot digest it, I can’t accept or allow myself to be in the life of someone who would do to someone else, what was done to me.

For whatever reason it is that causes you to not care about that, it has always made me question your obsession with me, how can you be so ride or die devoted to someone but not to the people that you brought to this earth?

I’m just an addiction to you like you said, and whenever I feel like this, when I feel like I might miss you, I get down to the core of that thought and realize that its just fear of being alone. There are things about how you operate that if I could have truly tolerated them, then I would have and we would be together right now and who knows what kind of horrible shit we would be going through, because it seems horrible shit is what you thrive on. I do in my own way as well, but I try to involve as few people in my bullshit as I possibly can. I get close to others and then immediately I let go because I know what kind of drama comes with dealing with me.

If you are going to play the ” I’m single, bachelor “role there is no excuse for you not to be working five jobs, who cares, and have loads of money since you don’t really give two shits about your kids. So basically you’re just lazy and ungrateful and an unaccomplished pot head and for nothing. How do you even have time to be thinking about me at all, considering? I can’t wrap my mind around it, other than I’m just another drug that you are hooked on. So the only reason I’m saying all of this is for one brief moment, because Logan is not you and does not behave the way that you do, there are things that you have done for me that I wish that he would do.

I know that he won’t do them, I’m not delusional to that fact and I know just like Kent or anyone else that I have ever loved, I know that he does not love me and he never will and yet, that’s the thing, I don’t know what my problem is but I always want whatever it is that I cannot have. Why can I not have him? Who the fuck does he think that he is? I’ll show the monster I say, I will shower him with all of the greatest affection in the damn world, when I know it will fall on deaf ears and closed arms.

One benefit of this nightmare is the painful rejection is so familiar that it almost feels good and right and honest and pure. The other thing is pining for someone forever will ensure that you never actually have to deal with anyone real or be vulnerable with anyone real, so you can continue to hate the whole world with a righteous vengeance and stay warm by yourself at night, full of your own hopes and dreams and fantasies, like a grade A psycho.

I never said I was perfect or knew everything or had all of the answers, never not once, but the one thing that I am at least trying to do on this ride is master myself, understand myself, why I do what I do, what are my triggers, how can I grow, what can I change? Anybody with sense would tell me to leave Logan alone, for all intents and purposes he is a child. Back in the day being his age meant that you were a man but these days people stay over grown babies until they hit their 30’s so technically in my 40’s I’m still a stupid rebellious teenager myself.

Your dick was nice, and many many times you worked it very well to your credit, even though there were some things that I hated that you did because too much exposure to porn will fuck people up, but his… well goodness, its barely used for heaven’s sake, and it’s the right length, width and everything for me, just about as perfect as perfect could be and its ready fast, always nearly alert anyway, I will tell you something, quite honestly, I have never really been a big fan of sucking dick, I mean I know it’s a necessary part of good sex, so blah blah blah do it, whatever, but for him its all I ever want to do. When I see him, I just want to drop to my knees. I want to lay around all day with his dick in my mouth just constantly sucking it like a lollipop. That is so awful, but so true. And his kisses, Jesus fucking Christ, that bottom lip is better than sucking on his dick -it’s so plump and sweet and wonderful and thick and he doesn’t slobber kiss like you do, ugh, I hate when my face is all wet when we are done like I just made out with a Labrador or something, his kisses are like electric fire explosions and I think about them all of the time, I actually want to kiss him when I am sober so I can remember everything about it, the warmth from his mouth, his breath, all of it… I am truly addicted to them, I literally don’t want to fuck or kiss or taste or touch anyone else ever. He’s got me. He snared me in like a master manipulator, the one thing in the world that I was trying to avoid, he’s got me. I would give him anything he asked for, my time, my money, my loving, my car, my house key, anything, even space. I will give him all of the space that he needs even if it makes me cry and I will sit in the corner, where I usually sit for someone and wait for him, like a prisoner of my own mind, looking at his pictures, re-reading his texts, re-watching his videos, pining, waiting, dying, waiting, needing, waiting… waiting, hurting, waiting.  I feen for him. I yell at him when I don’t get to see him enough, I double, triple, quadruple text him and then block him and then throw my phone at the wall and then curse his fucking name and then he will text me something fucking stupid like, Calm down sweetheart and instantly, like one of Pavlov’s dogs, I am as calm as if I had meditated for two hours.

Now again, I know that I cannot have this man. He has made that abundantly clear in a million ways. He puts absolutely no effort in anymore to see or be with me or talk to me, its whatever whenever and that’s because he already knows he has me so he doesn’t have to. I joined an online free dating site 3 days ago, because I’m lonely without him, I can’t let him win like this and although I know I should be working on my diet, on my finances, on my fucking self-esteem, I really rather have someone tell me I’m okay and that I’m pretty and want to do the things that he won’t. It’ll be you all over. I will pretend with this new person that he is Logan. I will keep him at a distance and make him love me knowing full well that I love someone else. I will tell him this from the beginning, the same way that I told you, and I am sure that he will not understand and leave, like a man with any kind of decency would do… except you…so as you can imagine, for a split second, I thought of you, of course but I can’t go back to you, there’s nothing different about you than ever existed in the past, I will only resent you again so I signed up for the site.

Within 2 hours, I had 50 messages, there are a lot of us desperate folk about. On my first day on the site I went on two dates, one just a casual meet up to chill and the second drinks late in the evening. Both were horrible. The whole time all I thought about was I wonder what the fuck Logan is doing right now? At least I am not the only sick sad lonely one out there in the world. I have no idea why I am telling you this, probably because normally I would tell Kent and I can’t because we aren’t friends if we ever were. I know I can’t talk to Logan anymore… waiting for him for the next 15 years is not in the cards, at least I learned that from Kent. And I’m sure that you and I are probably not friends anymore either, seeing as how what you want from me is to possess me and I just can’t let you and have any sort of a conscience- if you forgot the reasons see the beginning again because I never forget them, they roll around in my mind, every time the thought of rekindling anything with you crosses my brain.

And I know I have to be done with Logan, I have no excuse for setting myself up for failure this way, I have no apology either because of the fact that I got to be with him, just for a little while, I can’t ever lose that, that part was real and its mine and it was wonderful. But nobody can live on heroin and he is heroin and he knows it already. He’s so unhappy. His life could have gone a completely different direction if he hadn’t gotten hurt and if it had, I wouldn’t have had the chance to meet him at all I’m sure of it so I feel lucky and grateful and completely saddened by it and I wish I could do anything to make him happy but I can’t. And I would accept his love too, any amount that he chose to give me, if he fucking told me Tomika, I will only see you on Wednesdays between 3-4 PM I would always be available, with bells on and every single time would be the absolute best time. I doubt I will be on the site after today, I don’t need another fuck buddy and I don’t need anyone else who I need to be their mom for right now or ever if I’m going to keep being honest with myself.

Maybe I’m too damaged for love, maybe it really isn’t real and I’m the only person willing to admit it. Maybe I am just a master at self-sabotage, maybe my brain doesn’t work right maybe I don’t even have one at all, maybe I’m a robot trying to test if I really do have a soul. I don’t know.

If I have hurt you I can’t sit here and just say I’m sorry or even that I wouldn’t do it all again because sorry doesn’t mean that. If I had a dollar for every time you purposely did something to hurt me and then said sorry for it, I’d have enough to buy a plane ticket to Florida.  If I hadn’t met you, I wouldn’t know Logan either so either way, I’m here now. I may be crazy but I’m grateful.

Everything before this moment is the past. I can at least accept this part. And no, I probably won’t send this to you, because talking to you means that I love you in your head and you have no boundaries, which I completely understand I just don’t want to be a part of all of that nonsense with you anymore. I’ve clearly got my own growing up to do yet. Instead I will blog it as a free write, get it out there into the world, make it solid, tangible and then hopefully be done with it, the feelings, him and you. Or maybe I will send it, because I just don’t think you really understand but it doesn’t matter you have your own agenda, ,which only includes getting your way- it has nothing to do with me at all. At least Kent and Tommy and Logan never lied to me. I can’t tell you how important that is and how much bullshit I will put up with for the truth. The thing is you can only have one or the other, the truth or happiness. Never both. And I take the truth.

There’s a chance that if I give myself this damn love that I keep searching for that I won’t want him or anyone any more. I don’t know, who am I kidding? It’s crazy because I can’t think of a time that I have ever really wanted a family. Maybe I do now a little bit because death is closer , the ride is ending, I don’t know, I just want him. Not to make me feel complete but just, I guess I’m a little exhausted of facing everything alone. I’m good at it, I’ve mastered it, sometimes it’s really cool but knowing that there are kisses like Logan’s out there, the kind that make you feel like you can do anything, I want them. I’m putting too much pressure on myself, on love, on life, on you, on him. I never could have loved you how you wanted me to because you changed every single day. A completely different man, no matter what I said. And every single day you would claim you were a better dude than the day before, just lying on top of lies about lies. The shit is rough to deal with. Maybe I am supposed to just feel love wherever I find it, at least I am being authentic about it, I’m not holding onto anyone that I resent, I’m not making a life on the back of hoping someone will stay, I’m just as Logan would say, existing.

If I don’t meet anyone interesting on Day 3, today, I’m cancelling it. The only way I could see you is if you understood what I have said and just lived in the fucking moment instead of trying to trick me into doing something that I have clearly said that I would never do, trying to force me is not love. And I love Logan. If he every changed his mind, I would come. I know he won’t so I have to go live. Like I said I will be done raising mine in one year. So this year is me, getting me together, no apologies, no regrets, no resentments.

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