Dear Climbing Hydrangea,

I have recently been able to review all 1095 of your letters, e-mails and other correspondence with regards to the position available within my garden.

Thank you for submitting your application(s).

I don’t know if you noticed but the posting was geared directly toward adding a tree as a focal point for all of the other plants currently growing. We considered a European Black Alder before submitting our posting but unfortunately invasive plants that spread aggressively don’t align with the garden’s aesthetic. Finding the right tree has been a great challenge up to this point.

You have clearly stated and demonstrated through your resume, and video auditions that you are woody vine and not actually a tree. The Burning Bush, that you mentioned several times as your main competition, is yet another invasive species that remains unplanted next to our tender, susceptible fertile foliage despite what you may have observed; it is located right outside of the garden wall so you may have seen the bush and the garden in close proximity, however The Burning Bush has not applied for a position in the garden at all, it grows too competitively I am afraid so we could never accommodate it here. I wanted you to know that.

Our initial hope was that we would be able to acquire a Balsam Fir- they work better in the garden’s climate, always have, they smell fragrant and have a striking and bold appearance, certain to draw attention to the lovely garden’s layout and design.

For your information the closest Balsam has turned down our offer for a less glamorous, less visited space near a leech infested swamp. We were surprised by this as well, believe me.

The way that you described yourself in your documentation made it seem as if you didn’t know that you were not a tree and that concerns us, here in the garden. Your massive vines are indeed lovely, and your flowering clusters would add dramatic beauty to any trellis, we have no doubt. But you cannot force cohesion- just as I am sure that you are aware you cannot force a relationship or love. This position will last a lifetime and we really need a very specific kind of plant as the centerpiece, I am sure that you understand.  Unfortunately since the heart of my garden needs to be an actual tree, there isn’t anything for you to climb on around here. This means that you will not reach your full potential trying to survive in this environment. We’ve even turned down an Alaska Cedar, simply because it needs consistently moist soil and our garden’s dew fluctuates so much that could not be guaranteed. We aren’t just saying no to you out of spite, I hope that makes sense.

I apologize on behalf of the garden itself, if you feel like our posting for the position mislead you in any way. You made a compelling argument, but at the end it almost sounded like a threatening ultimatum, which is not a good way to start off a collaboration of growth in our opinion. We are being specific in our hunt for a reason; peace, happiness, and longevity.

Honestly, we even attempted to plant a February Daphne very recently and I am sure that you are well aware that even though it was fragrant and covered in beautiful lilac type flowers, it is a short lived shrub and not up to snuff for the garden’s long term standards. If we were going to keep a non-tree, we would have kept the Daphne.

When and if the garden is ever considering fence plants or decides to include a gazebo, we will certainly reconsider your application if you can accept that you are a vine and not a tree. And if we do find a suitable Dawn Redwood, who is willing to share the garden with you, I am sure you would be just fine climbing it with your strong enormous vines, as it will be the supportive structure that you need in order to blossom. There is no room for you here in this particular garden at this time, alone.

We have heard that there is a dilapidated, overrun garden in the area, ¼ as good as ours is, that is desperately seeking any kind of growing plants at all, and is willing to nurture absolutely anything immediately. I have attached the contact information and if you are struggling to find work, this might be a perfect opportunity for you. Hopefully you don’t pass the opportunity up since you seem ready and willing and able to settle down as soon as possible.  When you go there, please let them know that we provide our full support and will even be a reference on your behalf, simply for the fact that you have reapplied to join this garden nearly every day, unsuccessfully, for the past 3 years. We can attest to your dedication.

Hopefully this response is not discouraging to you at all, but clear and helpful.

Again, thank you for your submission(s), the interest is greatly appreciated.

Best wishes to you and yours and good luck in all of your future endeavors.

By the way, If you happen to know any dark, lustrous, Japanese Black Pines, young ones specifically, looking for a position in the best most fertile garden in town, please do share this garden’s location and information if you would.

Sincerely yours,

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