I’ve had a dude in my ear for nearly three years now, running me the most elaborate harlequin romance game. This cat has said the most unbelievable shit and within 72 hours of knowing me, he loved me, or so he said. Now, I’m not the smartest person in the world but I am a survivor. I’m in a strange place with strange customs and this cat is a local, a mad local like he has never lived anywhere else. So the semi hustler in me thought, well, when in Rome…and worst case scenario I get to hang out in this hellhole with someone who thinks I’m the dopest thing on two legs. The problem with obsession is that its end goal is control and possession. So although this guy was saying the sweetest of words, his actual goal was total domination. His actual was goal was to ride my coat tails outta the corn coast. His actual point to trying me was trying a new thing because he fantasized about black women being easy and he wanted to just fuck around for a little while without hurting an actual human, so when he met me, thick and juicy, INTERESTING AND PASSIONATE ASS ME, he thought yes, I can get my fucking skills up to par and be a G, listening to all of this misogynistic rap will have been worth it because that’s what the bitches like, but he didn’t expect that I was the most interesting, most intelligent, most talented chick that he had ever met and locking me down became the new strategy. He doesn’t give a fuck about himself or his own life, he has no genuine ambitions or actual life skills to speak of, other than what he heard from some other people who were miserable and decided to perfect on it by saddling a stallion and turning it into a regular, common, dirty, insignificant work horse, like he was. I knew all of this, I knew it was wrong to be with him. Everyone who was anyone to me told me to move along, don’t string a psycho out if you don’t need to but he said the sweetest things and would do absolutely anything for me, even the most demeaning things because he thought he was winning and the bitch in me, well she let him, but the bill always comes due. Crazy will ensue when you are dealing with a person who doesn’t know who they are and doesn’t care about themselves and I heard that quote, you know the one, about don’t trust a naked man who offers you his shirt. I knew the deal and he only got madder and madder at the fact that I thwarted his advances at every turn, I knew the deal, I too was from the corn coast once. And just when I think that I’ve got everything under control, my little sister, who I practically raised pulled the same bs. She got herself into some financial constraints, totally her own fault and no one else’s and instead of trying to correct her plight, she blamed me, kinda like the farmer’s son did. The problem with handouts is that its end goal is control and possession. She thought, I can give her a sob story while I get high and drunk every day, while I let some dude with no money lay up in my apartment and fuck me, while I post on social media all my new clothes and hair cuts, that this silly chick will feel sympathy because she’s my older sister and “help”. She tried to get into my head with the best sales lady quotes in the business but my gut told me it was wrong. In her nearly closed eyes, it’s my fault that we don’t have a better relationship, Its my fault I don’t see love in constantly giving her dough whenever she requests it. She doesn’t really care about her future, she doesn’t really work as hard at doing anything but trying to show out for people and I knew all of this. Its my fault that I don’t know that devotion and loyalty means give me all of your time or all of your money but they don’t know what’s playing in my head. All Alone by the Gorrillaz is playing. I can tell when someone is genuinely concerned about me because they listen to what I say. I can tell because the only time they communicate with me is not when they are in need. I can tell because love doesn’t try to change you, love digs you in your current state and just wants to observe and if you say to love, hey love I need help, love is not slighted, love is not upset, because love has quietly lived its own life, flourished in the background and will do for you without question because reciprocity is not its intent, its intent is that you be great. Crazy will ensue when you are dealing with a person who doesn’t know who they are and doesn’t care about themselves and I heard that quote, you know the one about don’t be a doormat. Now, I’m not the smartest person in the world but I am a survivor. This woman who latched on to me, she doesn’t want me to be great she wants me to be her second wallet. No matter what him or her, I suffer. My sister doesn’t want me to be great she wants my checking account and routing numbers and she doesn’t give a damn that I actually don’t owe her shit. And these manipulators, they are so good at it, that they use quotes, bible scriptures and songs and movies and other art to try to convince you that you aren’t shit because you don’t subscribe to their beliefs. The same ones that have them jealous of you and trapped.  And I see a Buddhist Monk in my head, smiling. They are so ensnared that they have no idea that they are blind. And they can only see if they choose to do so. So what do I do? Do I love him just because he loves me? No, Why live a lie? What do I do? Do I give her money, like some sort of corny ass detective show victim enabler because we have the same maternal bloodline? No, why put yourself in a hole because a common con artist wants to quietly thank you for demonstrating your true family love with cash? They don’t get me and they never will and quite frankly, I don’t give a fuck.

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