The Statue of Liberty

Put your hand over the flame again-
This time
It won’t get burned.
-Insanity

I’ve only had one start to finish better day since I have been in Ohio than today.
That day was the day that I met you.
Since then, I have been, at your beck and call.
And you know that you never have to at all.

I do my very best to go and live and when I do it never goes well, no good stories from it to tell and I just miss you more.
But this time, this one time, it didn’t suck. He didn’t suck. He’s allowing me to stretch out into roles that I normally wouldn’t touch when your absence is too much.

I’m used to you not responding, totally ignoring and despondent, yet, I’ve sprouted a tiny bit of fondness for a man willing to be mine and during this one time where I feel how I want to feel when I’m with you, there must be a waft of it on the wind, you want my time too.
You demand that I choose.
And of course, like a fool, I choose you.
I know though that you will be the death of me. Why does he taste so heavenly, why am I naked and not pretending that he is you, like I normally do?
You’re in my ear, come here, you need me now and I couldn’t break further into two pieces, I fell off the cloud, a crash so loud, I actually should be dead because in my head, you belong to me and anything other than you is busy work that I do reluctantly, until today and normally you don’t have shit to say but there must have been smoke so you knew there had to be a fire.

For once since I laid eyes on you and hands on you and lips on you, I was having a good time without you, physically, because you’re always with me. You will always be the last, I won’t love another until one of us has passed and death is on my ass and in hell I will wait again for you but I didn’t even want to have to tell him how much of me you rule, he has a Superman tattoo… What could I even do?

I want you to be mad about tonight, I’m petty as well. I want you to act like you care but then come straight to me in hell, I want you to regret this night because you never make time, never drop me a line, telling me you need attention… until he was mentioned, now all of a sudden you’re the king of interventions when you feel a small bit of my worship has gone. I wanted him to stay where I long, for you to be, I wanted him to wake up warm and wet right next to me, I wanted you to be unable to expect mercy.

He’s the best part, the pretend part, the part I get really pissed that I can’t squeeze outta your heart, that part where it feels like its actually something real enough to want to see when I’m not dreaming…

Maybe I wanted it sabotaged.
Maybe I don’t really want anything other than you in my arms.
Maybe I am going to die alone
and maybe it’s better than living having known
regrets…

I can’t fucking lie, he’s fun but you’re life, I won’t minimize this internal strife, the part that your existence played from the start, the part in my life and my mind that keeps me constantly torn apart, I’m just your harp, the part that makes me lonely sad and blind, the part that will exist throughout time.

I succumb and set him free, I tell you that you are the best part of me, tell you I’m never letting you go and then watch you close all doors and windows, since again you know, that no good time with anyone can fade you away, that utter panic and slight jealousy, coerced me to send your replacement running along, while I sit and wait for you by the phone, waiting for you to say that I am your home, waiting for you to say that you need my love and just mine alone, like they do in a Top 40 love song…

I’ve only had one start to finish better day since I have been in Ohio than today.
That day was the day that I met you.
Since then, I have been, at your beck and call.
And you know that you never have to at all.
I’m afraid that I have chosen wrong. You only want me when I’m not alone.

Put your heart on your sleeve again-
This time
It won’t get broken.
-Vulnerability

You make an insane woman of me.

 

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