I want to be that bitch but apparently I’m this bitch.
I want to control the universe but obviously I am leaning toward death.
So I lean forward and I kneel to pray and I suck his dick again.

I want to hold him still but I know that any quiet is bull shit.
I want him to see me and need me so I foolishly hold my breath.
Til he lays me down and I tie him up and he curves my spine again.

I want to be the ditchee now and never ever the ditched.
I want to be his Adderall at work and at home, his crystal meth.
In his absence I die violently and pray that he chooses to save me again.