I can see you now; raggedy red disheveled beard tickling your chest hairs- bald on top like the minute you were born, a little thin and sorrowful, eyes only bright from tears, furrowed brows, a barely noticeable slump in your shoulders, the worries of the world clawing your brain to shreds.
I love you, still.
Not the way that I used to in a mostly merely physical and shallow way but deeply; in a pained human delicate way, where I can feel the sad child in you because he is in me.
We should have expected all of this chaos to be honest, everything flows and tilts and reverses and circles-we simply flush the same zeitgeist drain over and over again and nothing is old or new. Humans are still stupid, staring at Hubble telescopes we’ve built, with no idea at all, not really, of what we are looking at yet or even what we are. And even though we are desperately flawed by all creation’s standards, the kindness that we could show one another if we so chose, is beyond what it would take to make us worth living, even for the shortest of times.
I’ve changed some things since I wrote you last, and so many more since I saw you. I’ve lost over sixty pounds, which isn’t much of a feat, I was smaller still when I used to kiss you. I’ve cut my hair incredibly short and I kind of love it, although I’m confident that if this is how I looked when I met you, we probably wouldn’t know one another. Not that I think you’re shallow, but I look a lot less like Thandie Newton than I used to. I no longer see Old Faithful. Its funny, the last time that I wrote to you, I mentioned that he still played a role in my life, albeit small, and I tried to use my very best Law and Order tactics to validate that choice but after I sent it, I realized how disappointed in me that you would be and I ended it, fully and officially, immediately. I haven’t spoken to, or texted or heard from him since. All for the best. I do still see the Monster, but in his case, I wouldn’t care if you were mad about that because technically I’m not doing anything any differently than you would do or have done, with the exception that I am not a serial monogamist so if I don’t own him like you do yours, I’ll be just fine… and I guess the second exception is that I would never ghost you because I’m frustrated about the state of society. The Monster gives me something that fills the hole in my life that you left. He’s brilliant and beautiful and makes me suffer every single day, in a way that I am familiar with and prefer. You know though that I’d go down in flames with you, but not reaching out to you isn’t even feasible for me, or realistic…as you can see.
I need you.
Your existence makes me, well me.
I’m sure you’ve changed some things too, you obviously don’t speak to me anymore and apparently that extends to everyone outside of your abode and if that is what it takes for you to feel a little peace, I understand fully.
I’m just a little miffed that tiny circle where your heart dwells, doesn’t include a USB port for me anymore.
I don’t have any answers, or anything useful to say, or any grandiose and overly dramatic revelation to bestow, I just wanted you to know that I miss you, I miss your laughter, your sarcastic remarks, your stupid jokes, your face, just…you. It’s not an admonishment, just fact.
I hope very much that not only are you well but that all is well with you. And I know you well enough to know that if it wasn’t, in a very real way, that because you are on a pedestal in my mind and have to stay there, that you would never let me see the wizard working furiously behind the giant curtain in the palace and honestly, I’m grateful. No one should be exposed to the real depth and breadth of anyone else because nothing good can come from that kind of knowledge. It makes me love you even more, that you wouldn’t subject me to any part of you that would make me have less hope in the miracle that is man and the beauty that is within you.
Take care of yourself and if you are so inclined,
Call me sometime.
I’d like to know that even during the darkest times for us all that you’re okay.