liminalneurosis

I haven’t and I didn’t and I won’t but I should
remember everything that I’ve got now and forget everything I could
Yet I overuse should, I use it in my thoughts,
I use it in my cereal, I use it in my walk
I use it for any instance when I didn’t get what I ought to
and it’s always painful and always leaves a black bruise
I think I have another option and think there is another road
where I can ditch all the shit I’m worried about and lighten my load
And even a little happiness, a smile or a gift
to me is just a portion of what “shoulding” deems bereft
I couldn’t and I didn’t and I won’t but there’s that should
Always reminding me that whatever I have is alright but never quite ‘good’
enough to shout out about, enough to take due pride,
enough to allow people to walk into and provide hope for my life
And here I go again second and third guessing
constantly stressing
forever obsessing
over what I’m supposed to have over what is that I own
Just another proof that I am an adult but not fully grown
Until I can accept this place and this time,
Until I will admit that all of it isn’t designed to be mine
I can’t and I wouldn’t I haven’t and even if I could
I’m just too childish and physically controlled by bullet holes from should….

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