The Maddening Melville Moment

I caught the fish.
I sold my car and home to buy the boat and the nets and the lures and the spears.
I abandoned all reason, the shore line, even other opportunities to get this one fucking fish and just a moment ago, I caught it.
I caught the fish.
Finally.
Not a fish.
Finally. Not some random fish.
The fish.
The one that haunts me, the one that ruins my agenda, the one that has had me questioning my own sanity for the past 480 days. That one.
I caught the fish.
I stayed up all night gargling sea water, I hadn’t slept and nothing else mattered and finally, finally, finally after so many perfect storms, finally after so many crushed hulls and leaky decks, finally the fantasy became reality.
I caught, after all of this time and money and pain, the fucking fish.
Not a fish.
Finally.
The fish.
But while I was second and third and fourth guessing…
While I was hesitating to go in for the kill…
While he writhed on my hook, begging to be mine…
I stand terrified and stupified because I had no plan for what to do after the dream was realized
He gasped and wriggled off the hook.
My fish did.
The fish did.
The fish that I sacrificed everything to catch.
I was relieved, I promise that I was because my mind immediately triggered the oldest of lies-
…Saying how bad of a man that I was for wanting the fish in the first place.
…Saying that I know that I can’t really have the fish if I want the fish to live.
…Saying it’s better for the fish to get away from me if I respect it’s nature at all.
And before I knew it
Before I wanted it
Before I could fix it
My fish.
The fish.
Was gone.
The sea was still. The sea is still.
And after all of my tireless effort I am still… alone.
But I caught the fish once.
Goddess of fortune, don’t let me die just yet.
I caught my fish once.
Goddess, just one more chance…
I’ll surely never be satisfied until I’m not afraid anymore
to mount the fish that I want…
The one that I righteously caught…

To the wall.

 

 

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