non compos mentis

10:05 AM
When I think about long term monogamy, I have to ask myself, Self- what selfish needs or desires do I have that can only be met by another mind, another set of arms and legs or another heartbeat? I know that we all need each other, as a species, in a communal way…we’d not have survived this far without being nurtured, educated, fed and raised by others but at some point, like an eagle shooing a baby bird from the nest, we have to learn to do those things for ourselves, by ourselves. Don’t we? Yet immediately, upon release, we seek yet another home, to raise little versions of ourselves and right what our parents did wrong and to continually experience loving like we did as children… And somehow the norm is that this is not savagery, or slavery or prison… I don’t understand…because apparently, I’m crazy.
10:10 AM
Does this mean that we are all inherently weak? Just older children, suffering for a lifestyle that is past? We don’t still drink breast milk so why do we continue to pine after the same level of nurturing as adults, if we are indeed, adults? Still, in our 40’s and 50’s, we find ourselves lacking any self sustaining ability and being proud of it. Is that a bad thing that we need and crave one another or a good thing? What if you could diminish your childish cravings for love and affection and acceptance and support? Isn’t a relentless search for a partner, another half to lean on, selfish? Perhaps its not as black and white as my mind sees it, I understand that. But thinking on it, what do you need the partner for? Isn’t it a want and not really a need? Isn’t it just sugar? If you never tasted sugar, you could survive just fine, be healthier even but once you have the craving for it, you cannot be freed from it ever again, not really, no matter how hard and how long you try. You are forever in recovery. So the search for a loving environment is the same thing, right? I don’t understand…because apparently, I’m crazy.
10:22 AM
In the laziest of ways, once you have been given unconditional love, how could you survive without it? What seems crazy is we market love so strongly that people that have never had it, feel inferior because of the lack of it and begin to seek it out as well based on perceptions of the cultural group they live in, the humanity at large, expectations passed down, legal benefits considered… yet religious groups, like monks, who live together in love and support one another have no child like desire for EROS whatsoever. Even if they do they don’t act on it. AGAPE and PHILIA are enough for them. Why not me? What’s wrong with me? I was abandoned, sure and because of this, according to everyone with a medical degree, I am damaged. Maybe I am. I won’t get the grasp of coupledom because their version of love is only pretend to me. But every time that a person wants to have a long term monogamous relationship with me the thought re-emerges- what are they lacking that they can only feel whole or fulfilled if they can usurp it from me specifically? I don’t understand…because apparently, I’m crazy.
10:37 AM
Is this why we call each other names derived from sweetness? Like, you know, a nickname for what we wanted to consume constantly as children, an acceptable moniker associated with love for the dangerous substance that we are actually addicted to and craving. Is all that we want really is just more sugar? Haven’t you ever been a sweetie, a sweetheart, or honey? I have. Why is this normal, and my disinterest is not? I don’t have any answers, I only have questions. I don’t know if being someone’s significant other improves me in any real way. Sure we can buy more crap in a couple and sure we can go further for longer together but why is going further for longer even a goal? And I could do all traveling and shopping and building with a good friend that I don’t possess, just as easily. What am I missing about love, or what is everyone else fucking missing about unapologetic individuality? I don’t understand…because apparently, I’m crazy. Nobody loved me and nobody ever will and yet, I persist. Am I worthless? Maybe. But who says?
You, sugar?

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