Me to him:
I actually can have you, physically, locked up, forever, with no way out.
You make me weak. But I know you don’t get the fact that this is horrible for me. I’m like some sick dirty old pervert crazy lady who buys you sex toys and sucks you off. I don’t know why I care if you are mad at me but I do. Sure, I can have your body. You make that incredibly easy. But I’m like some mentally stunted and emotionally childish person who day dreams about someone who couldn’t care less. It’s painful. Don’t be mad. But having you like this is not real. I disgust myself. It’s just sex. I want love. And you don’t care about anything at all. I have too many problems to continue to entertain myself by morphing into someone pleasing for someone who probably thinks I’m as pathetic as I think I am. I’m actually a little terrified of myself. I am crazy or whatever but I think I deserve love anyway. You know, the reciprocal kind, where the person loves you back…and I can’t be serious about getting it if I’m just having freaky sex with you all of the time. I know you don’t mean any harm. It’s not healthy that I am thinking about you all of the time. You know that I will always love you. I don’t want to feel out of control like this. I hope you understand that and are not mad at me. You know I don’t want to not see you or be with you, I just can’t is all. I know that if I get any closer, it would be self destructive. I’ll lose you anyway along with my mind. A responsible adult would have the dignity to stop this. This is all a really fucked up test. Forgive me for failing it. You can have anyone you want and you don’t even need me. Yet I will love you for as long as I live. But you know that this shit doesn’t even genuinely make either of us happier. I want someone who wants what I want. You know all of this. I want someone who wants me. So stop tempting me. Please.

Him to me AFTER ALL THAT: Come over.

Me right back: Okay.

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