The Creepy Cats of Greene County

I could be lying but I’m not.
He was born off 35 West and yet
It’s clear to me that after 4 years of
no movement
that he thinks that I can’t take a fucking hint.
So he apologizes-
I lost your number…the first 12 times
I lost my phone… the next six
My job is so hectic, tossed in for good measure
And now his mother is dead.
I could be lying but I’m not.
I don’t care at all, I’ve not pressed
I’ve not pressured and until he reminds me that he exists
I’ve always forgotten.
But yesterday, he wants to chat.
Normally, I’d say I’m busy but yesterday I felt like being mean.
Everything he offered I tossed in the trash.
Can I see you? No.
Can we hook up? No.
Can I take you out? No.
Eat you out? Well…
Meh, I needed more details.
Then he commenced to explain to me that he has ass eating skills that are incomparable.
So my first answer resounded. Uh, in that case. No.
So he apologizes-
Sorry, I didn’t know sex talk was childish.
Sorry, I’m a freak and I have a high sex drive.
I said, youse a freak huh?
I said, Ever fucked outside? No.
Ever fucked more than one person at a time? No.
Ever been restrained? No.
Then how are you a freak?
(Oh I forgot, he’s the ass eating champion of the Midwest)
You bore me I say, and he’s sorry.
You’re not intelligent enough to hold a conversation about anything other than copulation and he’s sorry.
Then he tries to explain to me that its society’s fault. It’s women’s fault. They wear leggings. He can’t stop himself from constantly jacking off to leggings. Who can blame him if he is preoccupied with ass prints in leggings?
I could be lying but I’m not.
Going off on this cat would be a waste of breath.
He’s our closest connection as humans to the chimpanzees.
I felt sorry FOR HIM.
He is the fucking hint.
Its no longer entertaining to know that he exists so I told him that I was not interested, never was interested, never would be interested and the only reason that we were talking now was because I felt like going off on someone idiotic but even I, as evil as I am, can’t go off on someone who clearly has no equipment whatsoever between his ears.
He finally catches a whiff and says
HE’s SORRY that He is not my type.
HE’s SORRY that He is sex obsessed because women and men can’t be friends unless there is some fucking involved so it’s all that is on his mind against his will and its just a part of being a REAL man, man.
HE’s even SORRY that I’m so judgmental.
I say yeah yeah cool and bye forever and take it easy buddy.
If he called me a bitch then I could in good conscience school him, but he doesn’t say another word.
I could be lying but I’m not.
I don’t find this “man” remotely attractive so participating in this bullshit backfired and I’m fully at fault for engaging someone I’ve chosen not to date or fuck or kick it with in 4 YEARS.
Seems settled.
Take it easy, buddy.

The very next morning, as in before dawn today, this corn coast cornball clown texts me….like nothing at all happened the day before…

Good Morning, Beautiful…

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