Nah, I’m not really in a better mood, but I’ve been listening to Tara Brach a lot lately when I have free time to just let those words get stuck in my head instead of the shit I’m normally telling myself. I really hate this. I hate not being in control of something and not having all of the answers but I know that’s the overcontroller, the drill sergeant afraid of being caught off and trying to protect me from failing or being vulnerable and royally screwed because of it. Listening to Tara, I’m starting to think, “See that’s my survival mode doing that thing again” like an observer instead of beating myself about the head and neck and trying to force myself to stop. Maybe I’m just a kitty cat flying in space my damn self!
I just found out recently that “normal” people don’t “hate themselves” if they get a blemish or a pimple. I did not know that. I thought that everyone hid in rooms, or tried hard to hide it, took the day off, soaked their skin in bleach blah blah blah, and freaked out like I do every time I notice the smallest thing wrong with myself. Jeez, I’ve got so much work to do, it feels so overwhelming. And it kinda hurts a little. When you tell yourself you’re wrong all of the time and then to find out you really ARE wrong but about everything not the dumb shit you were worried about it’s hard to bear. And also to find out that “secure” people don’t care if they are “achievers” they are totally fine just taking up air and space. I’m struggling with even comprehending that on any level.
I expect so much from people, they have to have so many things to even get close to me because I don’t want to eventually be responsible for them when it’s already such a burden to be responsible for myself. The easiest way to deal is to just be a hermit, with my cat shirt, minding my business and being alone. But that’s not fun. I know you think you can handle this, you speak so highly of all of your talents and ambitions etc etc but this isn’t the first time I have met you. I’ve known you for 4 years now and we’re not together partially because you used to lie all the fucking time but also because you could not handle all of this and also because I try to stay away from people with small kids, I hope you understand my reasoning for that. I know we said we forgave each other for the past but forgiveness also means openness to the exact same thing happening again. I specifically did everything in my power to get you to leave me alone, one because of the kids, two because of the lying but three because I did not know exactly what was wrong with me but I knew that SOMETHING was and it wasn’t something that I wanted to burden anyone else with.
Here we are and you say you feel the same way and that you have grown and you love yourself, etc etc and it doesn’t seem much like the kids are an issue anymore, and I am truly sorry to hear that but I understand but what I have is a real thing now. It’s real. And it’s not going to go away. I have to live my life, healing wounds for literally forever. So on the one hand, I was right about SOMETHING being wrong with me and still I don’t want to burden anyone else with it.
I’m glad you’re trying to be friends with me although I know that’s not what you actually want. I can’t say that more isn’t what I actually want myself. I have no idea what I want. Or who. It could change in the next 30 seconds. I know you are tired of me saying all of this and trying to warn you like I LITERALLY always have but I struggle so much with not being understood and I want to make sure that you are sure that with all the people you could be with and sit around and get stoned with and struggle to make ends meet with and sleep with that with all the crap that comes with me, you can deal. And hey, if one day you can’t I won’t even be mad. Truly. I don’t expect anyone to love the crazy cat shirt lady with the weird glasses. Well except Incubus. I expect them to love me. But see, I’m in therapy for this shit, so I can say that.
Random side note, I want to go to Bunbury so badly now. I’ve thought about it at least once a day. After graduation if everything looks good with moving expenses then I need to get me a stinking ticket! Seeing my favorite band, live 3 times in less than twelve months is totally fire. When it comes right down to it, I do want to love you and I wish that I could as easily as other people do it with no effort and no problems, I feel terribly that I can’t. And honestly at this age if anyone doesn’t want to be my friend because I talk to you then they weren’t a friend anyway, just an enemy on the backburner waiting to catch me in what they consider a fuck up so that they can speak up. I’m too old and have no time for it. And if it turns out I was wrong about you again, then I was, it happens and I won’t hold any grudges. How could I, considering the things that I have done to you?
And If my son moves out *gasp* well, then I will just have to explain to him what I’m doing if we ever get back together and he can be mad too if he wants to but I hope not because I’d rather he come to me instead of struggling with something just because he is angry at me for making choices that seem ridiculous to outsiders. But it will be hard. He doesn’t like you and it kind of matters because he has a very good reason not to. You’re the most manipulative person on the planet and I’m only an amateur compared to you. With both of our faults, we should be able to figure out how to survive and at the very least be friends but if nothing else happens with us, then it doesn’t because everything is so fucking hard. Talking to you after everything that has happened between us is hard. Not talking is harder. I’m exhausted. Truly.
I know I’m super emotional because of what week it is, etc,. Sorry for rambling. Anyway, if you love me like you say you do, you know I’m not going to trust that right away so let’s take our time this time and see what happens.
I hope that you have a good day.
Me too. Signed, The Crazy Cat Shirt Lady of your fucking dreams.