If I had a loved one
with whom I could be honest
then I would say
I understand how fucked up all of this must seem. I’ve been no angel the past 18 years, granted. The first 24 either. I’ve done some desperate, and dumb and all out unbelievable shit and I cannot imagine how far I might have gone, had I no restrictions during that time frame, especially since taking my own life was one of the things that I tried during those years. Some days I feel like I have learned things and that I know a better path where others, I realize that I am just as stupid as I always was, the same kinds of distractions and dangers and foolish actions that have lured me into terrible situations in the past are still and always will be the demons that I fight. Sometimes I want to quit fighting. Sometimes I remember karma does not discriminate and it will not leave me behind no matter how I come to it. I feel like a fraud and either I am struggling with no emotion at all or nothing but….I’m lost.

And I would hope that my loved one
With whom I could be honest
Then would say
I love you. I know you think you are on this water ball by yourself, and that everything that you are going through is unique to you and seems insurmountable. But you are not the only one who has been abandoned. You are not the only one who has had to try and figure out how to navigate the world with bad directions and little encouragement. But I want you to remember how far you have come. And against all odds. Sure, there are still things that you can improve on but remember that everything you have made it through was you in action. And if no one else ever tells you out loud again I want you to hear me say it and I want you to say it to yourself- I love you. All of you, the parts you don’t like, the patched and broken pieces, the triumphs the scares and scars, all of it. Because you have suffered you are in a really good place to appreciate joy. Because you have done wrong you are at an excellent point to slow down, remember the side effects, and make better choices for you. And when you fail, because growth is about failing forward, don’t give up. The past is over and all there is, is now and what you have learned and what you can still do to smile, make others smile and be happy. I love you. And you should love you too…

But I don’t have a loved one that I can be honest with…
I know that the truth of the matter is
if I want to hear it
I’d have to tell it to myself…

And I don’t believe any of that shit for one second because the voice in my head only ever says one thing on repeat…

You’re gonna die. And soon. And no-one cares.
No-one ever has and no-one ever will. Nothing you do matters and nothing that has ever happened to you or to anyone like you makes a damn bit of difference on the cosmic timeline. You’re self-absorbed, you’re self-obsessed, you’ve low self-esteem and there’s nothing you can do about it and no effort is worth trying to change it anyway because you’re gonna die. And soon. Your best bet is to stay out of everyone’s way, leave everyone else alone and hope that you don’t die one second from now like the undignified, useless, perverted, stupid, fat, ugly, weak, sick, ape creature that you are.


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