So I have no illusions that you will actually read this… although you might if I post to my blog since that is your “go to” for news on what I am thinking about and doing with my life but in all honesty, it doesn’t matter one way or the other.
The point of me writing what I am writing isn’t really for you as much as it is, selfishly for me.
I need to get certain things out and when I ignore the call to do that, the idea of it just festers and grows inside me and the next thing I know I am doing something completely out of character or taking my frustrations about one thing out on someone completely oblivious and innocent of any wrong doing. Not a good look. Here comes the writing….
I know that in your tumultuous relationship with me over the past 3-4 years, you genuinely consider yourself to be one of those people that I have taken things out on when they were not at fault. As disturbing as that is, I can’t change what you think about you. I can’t even change what you think about me or us. I’m getting very close to that edge of not caring what anyone thinks, period.
But what I needed to write here was a truth that you seem to keep overlooking and ignoring. And hey, you’re a grown ass man and you can continue to behave in the same manner for the rest of your days if you would like. I know that you think that because I am writing to you or rather about you, that your plan to ignore me has caused me to think more highly of you ( absence makes the heart grow fonder) and that this message is really my way of letting you know secretly that I still want you to be a part of my life and you leaving me alone (finally) revealed that to me. If I didn’t know you so well this disastrous thought process wouldn’t have occurred to me at all because it’s so stupid. If you think that, for even one second, as kindly as I can possibly say this, you are a delusional, sick fucking asshole childish loser and I hope that you die of an open sore infection or rabies because you’re so fucking lame and disgusting as a human and just in general as a creature.
That probably sounded a lot like love to you didn’t it? It isn’t. And my saying it is not to be blamed on any mental condition I might have to work around in life. I’ve literally told you those things to your face, so seeing them written down shouldn’t be big news. My thought is that the only reason that you would stoop to this level of manipulation is if you read up on my condition and decided it would give you leverage in your coat tail scheme.
It actually makes me hate you when that never had to be the case. I told you CLEARLY when you decided to abandon your children in the pursuit of a relationship that you were nothing to me anymore and I meant that shit. You can’t possibly expect a person who was abandoned to hitch their wagon to someone who is selfish and loser-ly enough to do the exact same thing to their own offspring. No matter if you had won the fucking lottery the day after I told you that I wouldn’t have taken it back, because I know you wouldn’t have done a fucking thing for your kids with the money anyway, and regardless of what you have, anyone who doesn’t care about their kids has a bigger problem than lack of in-house pussy to fall into after a hard day of being a gigantic turd. The second problem was as I was figuring myself out and what was wrong with me, you told every fucking lie that you could think of about every fucking thing in existence, for no other reason but the fact that you’re a pathological piece of shit. You said you were a “chef”. You were kitchen help. Why lie? To trap, of course. I’m no angel, but the only lie I ever told you was I wanted to be with you. And honestly, I only said it to get your bitch ass to stop crying and whining all the fucking time about why our relationship was not working as quickly as you’d hoped. Every friend I have ever had, every co-worker, every relative, down to my own son has looked at you and said FUCK NO. Even my ex, who mind you, up until the time I met you was the worst most evil psychopathic freak of nature I had ever encountered, even that guy said, “He’s more manipulative than you are. Good luck with that one”. Full on YIKES. I told you and you pretended for about 72 hours to change. I vouched for you and you stalked me. You frightened my child with your pretending to love me antics which were designed for you to get your way and nothing else. And sure, you showed up when I was down but not because you loved me because you thought it would give you points into getting me to do what you wanted. And the absolute most despicable thing that your underachieving waste of space ass has done, is moved a chick and her brats in with you after I stopped seeing you, so that she could pay your bills while you pretended to love her, fuck her every night, use up all her money and then make a move to get me back because you were tired of her. If you would do that to her, you would do that to me, so I was fully done after that. If she knew all of the times that you read her for filth in the emails that you sent me she would set your fucking hair on fire with a match. I hope you have convinced her to keep reading my blog too, so in case she is stupid and has low enough self-esteem to let you back into her arms, her wallet and her bed, she will at least not think she won a prize from me or something, she will realize you’re only there because you have nowhere else to go. It’s the only reason you were with me too and you know who told me that? The Guru. He told me that after only meeting you in real life ONCE.
And the pattern doesn’t end with the chick you tricked.
The dude you were staying with when you left her and you thought your raggedy worthless ass was going to shack up with me, you said he didn’t understand life and was not prepared for the real world. REALLY? YOU SLEPT ON HIS COUCH YOU INCONSIDERATE BASTARD. Your own brother wouldn’t let you stay with him, your blood, because HE KNOWs like I know you are full of shit, a user and a mental abuser. Who knows why you’re this way. Maybe because you’re short or talentless or maybe because you aren’t attractive or maybe because you can’t fuck, I have no idea what is wrong with you and I don’t care. You have only helped me do one thing and that is to listen to my gut when it’s telling me a person is a wrong character to associate with. We had some good times on my dime but every time that I was alone with you, while sober, was painful. We enjoyed each other’s company when you were sitting quietly shutting the fuck up and trying to absorb some intelligence from around you because nothing is floating in that head of yours but a scheme to use someone willing. It’s a good gig if you can get it and girls get such a bad rep for being these kinds of humans but here you are, saying shit like you’d love to be a stay at home dad. Ugh. And you swear you’ve got it all together, making fun of everyone else who hasn’t wrecked 4 cars in three years, everyone else who isn’t homeless and everyone else who isn’t still trying to pursue a music career, racking up student loan debt and NEARLY 40. You’re idiotic. So again, why would anyone want to go, whew, you know what, this is the guy for me! No clue.
Now, listen, I’m not saying all of this to hurt your feelings, I know you well enough to know you don’t have any feelings. If you did, would you have tried to fuck your ex-wife over, your kids over, your family over, and your ex best friend over? Would you have tried to fuck me over considering you supposedly love me so much that you will always be here for me? Yeah, you’ll always be here for me if I let you tag along to California with me, free as bird while you live out your acid fantasies, as a bad fucking father, a lazy piece of shit and a terrible lover.
Am I perfect? Hell nawl, I have my own debts, weight to lose, baggage and literally clinical ways. But I never lied to you. I told you no from the start and you pursued it. Even when I loved you, and I did you made it feel like drinking poison. Now that you can’t get me to roll over for you like a dog, even being my friend is something you can’t do because you will never stop trying to use me. Which honestly, I’m grateful. I would have tried to remain your friend too simply because I didn’t want to burn the bridge. I always think relationships don’t work out because I am ungrateful and crazy, and perhaps its partially true but fuck that.
I’m sick of always ending up with someone for too long because I can’t separate the messages I am getting from my gut from the ones I am getting from my mind. That’s my fucking problem and I have to do better. And you were the perfect example to test it on. In the past it has taken me DECADES to realize a person was bad for me and that I needed to give them up. Since you are such a concentrated mix of lying, manipulating, using and all around douchebaggery, it only took me 3 years and a little therapy. Damnit, that’s improvement. Honestly, I wish you the best. I hope you get a job, any job, stop doing drugs and using people, take care of your kids, finish school and start a lucrative music career. I hope you stop being secretly racist, have enough money that you can eat three square meals a day, and genuinely learn that loving yourself doesn’t come in the arms of the person you are sticking it to because you can’t survive on your own like the leech that you are. But if that never happens, I won’t be shocked impressed or surprised. You don’t know what love is, you never have. I wish you the best of luck. You don’t have to respond to me, or even read any further or do anything to help yourself get better, I have no control over you like I have said and no interest in whether or not you decide one day to stand on your own two. All that I really wanted to let you know is that I was RIGHT. All that I really wanted to let you know is that I see you motherfucker.
I always saw you for what you were even in my worst, most depressed and saddest times. And I was RIGHT.
All of the second guessing, crying, fighting myself and the whole time I hit the nail on the head. You just aren’t good enough for me. Never was, never will be.
I can move forward, getting myself into a good place, finding happiness for me and knowing that when it counted, I didn’t let myself down by spending any more unnecessary time trying to cultivate a friendship with a shell of a human being. And I am grateful even more still, that when you realized you couldn’t get anything else from me, like the trash you are, you tried to do the honorable thing and leave me the fuck alone. Continue to do so, until the end of time, don’t stop. But you’re welcome to continue to follow me on my blog and on Twitter. Continue to tell all the other nobodies that you get wasted with how you used to fuck me and have all these pictures of me naked like the slime you are. Keep trying to save up enough money to get the tattoo of my name removed off your chest that I told your PUNK ASS not to get in the first place.
And if nothing I said about how you didn’t fool me from the jump hits home, so what?
You know that every single word is the truth.
The Truth Hurts.
And now, it’s released.
Just like you.
Don’t take my confession as a school yard pig tail pull of love for you honey, this is not that. I know how easily confused you get when you start your manipulative cycle. This was for me.
I’m fully done and I have no regrets about us or going forward. I’m glad that I have met and have left you.
Now, I don’t have to carry these negative feelings around with me anymore and I don’t have to sweep them under the rug any longer either and I can fully move on. I may never have a long term relationship with anyone other than myself, quite frankly. Truth Hurts, like I said. But Oh Fucking well. I still have me and for once, that bitch was RIGHT before too much damage was done.
From here on out, if I’ve got nothing, at least I’ve got my own fucking back.
Thanks. It’s the challenges that we overcome that prove our strength.
Poet and Author originally from Indianapolis, Indiana, and a lover of words, expressions, and creativity. Mother of one, Member of the Ohio Poetry Association, a former member of the California Writers Club, Winner of the Barry Wright Scholarship for Poetry, and consummate Dorothy Parker, Nikki Giovanni, and Pablo Neruda fangirl.
Contact The Author at MissTLBanks@yahoo.com
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